I have something to say!

Well.



There's no easy intro to this statement....



I am pregnant.



13 weeks pregnant, in fact. We are ecstatic to say the least. I have been writing posts since it all happened but am onlyactually posting the posts now so hop on over to my other blog and and scroll down to the 13 September when we found out.



I think I will be using my other blog during my pregnancy as its a better fit and is an amazing conclusion to our journey.



Thank you God!

ONE!

My little boy turned one on Tuesday! I am behind on posting but have been existing in a work- fuelled haze. My mother came over today and so it's 3.15pm and I have got through today's list of things to do. Phewwwwwww....

Anyway, back to the man of the moment.

He's ONE!!!! I cannot believe that we have been living with our hearts desire for 11 months and 2 weeks! How blessed are we???

This time last year was so awful. Would it work out, would it not? Endless stress and trauma. This time last year we had met him once and now were at home trying to believe that it would all work out. The social workers were threatening and it looked it would collapse. But God knew.

The time from today November 5th to November 11th (when I was allowed to go back down and look after him) were the worst days of our lives. And look at us now!!! The same time this year is completely and utterly redeemed.

Joy lives with us and laughs at us when we go in to see if he's awake. Laughter tries to walk and falls over again and again. And love cuddles up to me, looking for his Mommy's touch. Every new stage is a wonder as he grows and matures. Our little helpless baby is a small boy now who knows his own mind and expresses his opinion. Love it!

I am so grateful and feel so incredibly blessed.

The Bride

I am a bad and irregular blogger. This I know. I do have an excuse to offer though.... my wonderful friend and business partner got married on the weekend.

She has been very busy with wedding preparations and is now away on honeymoon so I have been REALLY busy with our design work. My life at the moment is design, play with My Small Man, design, eat, design, sleep, design, talk to my hubbie and so on. I love it and it's only for a few weeks but I haven't had any time to blog. Am I forgiven???

So I thought I would share a few pictures of the wedding. It's the only wedding I have been to where the entrance of the bride was greeted by wild applause and cheers. Joy overflowed and the wedding was exuberant. You could feel the presence of God. The bride looked absolutely gorgeous and the groom could not contain himself. It was perfect in every way.

The stunning bride

The very VERY happy groom

The two of us...just look at her eyes, joy just shining out!

Perfect!

Done

This week we got a letter in the post

The adoption is final and done. Signed, sealed and delivered. We did not have a day in court, pictures with a judge and the lunch we planned to celebrate afterwards. At this stage of the adoption all we needed was one final interview with the social worker and then the court registrar would make the final decision based on the social workers report.

Done.

I love the way this works as it reflects how God is revealing another aspect of His character to us. Through this adoption we have lived His promise to me, given to me back in 2007 when we faced the last IVF cycle with my own eggs. We thought the prophecy was for then but it was for 2008, for the adoption and for now.

13 But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. 14 The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

My great glory will be displayed through Pharaoh and his troops, his chariots, and his charioteers. 18 When my glory is displayed through them, all Egypt will see my glory and know that I am the Lord!”

Exodus 14: 13-14 & 17b-18 (NLT)

He is just doing things. No fanfare, no shouting, no fuss. No 500 people interceding, no church wide prayers and texts and phonecalls. He just did it. I love it! God does not need what we offer. He works alongside us, invites and allows us to participate and our prayers can move mountains but essentially he is God and we are not. He does not need us to accomplish His Will. This means so much to me. Nothing could stop what He has planned for us. [This is not to say that we are not needed, God loves us and invites us into relationship with Him]

So without all the drama I would naturally (with my passionate personality) surround a final court date with, He just did it. And I drove home, opened the mailbox and in the driveway, read a letter that changed my life. Forever altered who I am and gave us a lineage.

A family tree is established. Forever.

Medieval madness!

The medieval banquet we went to last weekend was amazing! So much fun. My friend M's mum organised it "just because"! There were at least 75 adults there and lots of kiddies running around...just a small party!


We went down to help set up and we were in medieval heaven. We draped acres of fabric, hung a stags head, put up flag poles, hung huge amounts of bunting and placed swords, pewter bits and pieces and generally had a fabulous time.


M's mum had made My Small man a costume (you know, just quickly MADE it!) and organised costumes for the rest of us. There was medieval food too, lamb on the spit, venison, every vegetable known to man and about 300 steamed puddings for dessert with custards and brandy butter. YUMMO! Well, except for the pudding which had raisins in every one. I loathe the existence of currents and raisin but freely admit that it's an issue of my own.


There were large open fire braziers everywhere as it was cold and once it grew dark, it felt completely medieval. No electricity, just candles and braziers outside. Haunting medieval music played and at one stage I came outside and it was a little freaky. With everyone in costume gathered around the braziers, I could stepped back 600 years or so!


We had such fun!

The man himself

My two gorgeous men!

The four of us

Princess E

Prince G

Night time party!

Today is a good day

1. My most beautiful son is ok (says Dr Mike) After more vomiting and stuff out the other end we went to the doctor who says he will be ok. Phew....was getting (really) worried.
2. The way my most lovely son goes purple and a bit slack in the body when I wipe his sore bum is just him holding his breath. Says Dr Mike. Phew....was REALLY worried and had the phone in my hand ready to call 111. Seasoned Mommys will laugh, but for those of us without a clue- scary times.
3. Reading "The Shack" and loving the way the Holy Spirit is a verb not a noun. So freeing. I want to live in expectancy and not from a place of expectation.
4. I am feeling better- have been feeling yucky. Will NOT be sick (in Jesus name!)
5. Two hours until My Big Man is home.

Today is a very good day!

Snuggle buggle time

We went away with our friends M and E down south. M's Mum is a crazy fun-filled amazing woman of God who does huge things. She (said very casually) put on a medieval banquet for over 75 people on the weekend at her house. We loved it!

Pictures to follow.....but (much more importantly)

My Small Man came home with a bug caught off his friend Edie and had been so sick. Sick out of both ends! His first time. Must say, I don't mind being vomited on and changing liquid nappies as much as I thought I would. They are ok because they are his....go figure!

So we have spent two days snuggled up. He just wants to sit on me, snuggling in my arms and that's just fine with me. Everything else can wait. Work can fit in somehow around what he needs. I am his Mommy and he wants and needs me. Little arms reach out for me and his head drops back into my shoulder. Wormie comes up to hide his eyes and there are furious dummy sucking noises. A little haven of safety and comfort. Snuggle buggle time.

The Zoo-oo

We went to the zoo yesterday and loved it! My Small Man has a big birthday coming up- his very first one and we are going to hold an afternoon tea at the zoo. The venue is so that the birth families can come along, have some fun and not be hemmed in. You see, they are still not talking to one another which makes holding an event slightly difficult. And we want the birth mum AND the birth dad there. We thought that the zoo has wide open spaces, other stuff to do if it all gets too much and is on neutral ground. We think we may have to have them at different times of the afternoon tea though....they don't want to see one another. Oh well, time is a healer and they are still young!

Anyway, we went along to have a look and see where we could hold it. And had a wonderful time too! The Auckland zoo is great. So animal orientated. I have vivid memories of the Joburg zoo as a child and the small concrete enclosure the lion had. He just paced back and forward endlessly. As a child I thought it was the cruelest thing ever and hated the zoo for years afterwards.

Well, the lions and tigers and giraffes and bigger animals are all so well looked after. I just felt sorry for the cheater (sp!). His enclosure was not quite big enough I felt. He couldn't really run, and those animals love to run! I got over myself though and really enjoyed it. My Small Man loved it too. If the animal moved, he noticed it and put his little arm out at the animal saying "ahh! ahh!" Super cute!

We ended with hot chips at one of the cafes. Bliss. What a great day and I just LOVE being a Mommy. Thank you God!

Imprinted

I am freshly amazed at the relationship My Small Man and I have.

I have heard stories about how baby animals "imprint" their mother and form a tight and strong relationship with her. How baby animals have also "imprinted" a human rather than their own species, if separated from their species at the crucial bonding stage. This imprinting goes beyond bonding and attachment. It's something deeper.
I never thought about it in a human context but now I know it personally. My Small Man and I have imprinted each other. It's the most incredible thing.

I am all he knows as a mother and he is all I know for a child. For each other there is only the other person. I cannot imagine a child of mine that is not him. Even when I think of a biological child, I can only bring to mind his face, his personality and his character. There is nothing else for me. He is imprinted on me.

And I am all he knows. For a mother figure bringing comfort and nurture there is only me. I should mention that he adores My Big Man and is as comfortable and happy with him as with me! I am talking purely from a mothering point of view. I could not be closer to him if he was my very own DNA and came from my body. For us there is no difference.

The social worker called this week as we are able to begin the final adoption proceedings. Basically a rubber stamp I understand. She asked if we wanted to proceed..... the question took my breath away. To not proceed is inconceivable. Incomprehendable. I can't even bend my mind around the question. I think I laughed as I replied as I didn't know what else to say!

And as My Small Man reached for me again today and wrapped his little arms around me and buried his face in my shoulder, I marvelled. How blessed am I? To have the honour and privilege of loving and nurturing this little person with spirit and soul and personality.

I am utterly besotted and totally imprinted.

The grey

Two of our favourite people in the world are in NZ for a month. They are such amazing friends and we talk about everything with such honesty. Last night was no exception. Over dinner we got onto the subject of the "grey areas".

The grey areas are those areas where there is a gap between our knowledge and understanding and the issue. A place that we so often fill with our opinions, our interpretations of what we think God says and our judgements.

Issues and situations like divorce, depression, homosexuality, infertility treatment and so many others. Yes, we can flick to a section of the bible and quote verses about what God says but.... there are so many situations that are not choice and are not directly related to a sin committed by the person in that situation.

Those are the grey areas.

We talked about a situation that brought me to tears. And I have no answer. I am not even willing to try and fill the gap between my understanding and the issue. The more I go on, the less I know.

I know: I am loved. I am chosen. Jesus lives and He saves me. There is only one God and He is a God of love. That's it.

We are so judgemental as people and I include myself at the front of the queue. We have even been judgemental about others and how they parent. Only to get down the track and realise it's not so clear cut or straight forward.

Life is not brutally black and white. And as a black and white person I have learnt a valuable lesson through my own suffering. Grace. Grace fills the gap. I do not have answers for what I see around me but I can extend Grace. That doesn't mean excusing sin, but the issues I am talking about are not sin. They are sin related as we live in a fallen world.

Yikes.

I am drawn to one of my favourite verses.

Your world is a lamp for my feet

And a light for my path Psalm 119:105

A lamp for MY feet and MY path. Revelation for MY journey. Light/ revelation that is immediate and personal and unique and individual. For ME. That's all I have to know. How I am doing. And then extend grace to others.

Simple.

Well, hello

I am alive although have a hacking cough (hence sleeping partner less at the mo) and still going through an enormous amount of tissues. How much stuff can actually come out your nose? Don't answer that....

My Small Man is on the mend (PRAISE GOD!) and is slightly less grumpy. Again, praise the Lord, I say. His sneezing has fewer alien (snot trails- sorry!) results so he is definitely better.

We have had a crazy busy week with work and it's been fun doing it all while sick. It's good though and we are dreaming of the Ugandan widows and orphans we are going to support and save so that they can hear about Jesus. How can you expect someone receive Jesus unless you care for them and feed them and show them that someone gives a hoot?Well, I feel that you can't so I have asked God for audacious amounts of money through our business so we can build a whole Watoto village for the ex-child soldiers. Come on God!

We have our first residential job for someone who is renovating this massive beach front house in Bucklands Beach. We had such fun this morning whizzing round choosing tiles and carpet and paint! I love that we decide how we will work and the ethics and values we will have. We decided that everyone we meet is a partner and we are a team. Love it. No "them and us".

We are going to an industry function later this afternoon and again I love that we decide the profile and values of our company. We are not dressing up, not going to be snobby and not be cagey about our work. We are going to have fun and be friendly and (horror gasp!) say hello to people from other design companies!!!! I know....CRAZY! But I have even got in trouble from my old bosses for being too friendly to staff from competing companies, in the past. How dumb. So I checked with my boss, oh wait, I am the boss!!! And I said that we should be friendly and show the love of Christ. How radical and fun will that be??!!??

Cobwebby

Poor neglected blog. It's been days since I posted and it has cobwebs hanging off it.

I would love to have some incredible revelation from God or wise words but I have a bad cold and my brain is currently wrapped up in bed asleep.

My Small Man and My Big Man also have the heinous evil cold. How sweet, we all match.
We even had Lisa Bevere at church yesterday but through the haze of the cold all I could think of is "Man, that girl's skinny!" So obviously no incredible revelation (although I am SURE there was some to be had as she is pretty amazing) if I was transfixed by her body shape.

The doctor says we are not dying which is a relief and should be on the mend soon. That's means a meaningful post will be coming....sometime.

Americanisms

I am an avid blog haunter. My reading list is massive and actually most blogs I read are from the states. I love those American girls! Very similar to South African girls I think....in other words down right fabulous.

I won a trip to Chicago years ago for design and it was a revelation. Suddenly I was IN the land of the American accent. Because really my only exposure to American accents was though film and TV. So in my head those accents were not real. I remember the feeling of hearing all those accents for the first time in real life. It was a mind bender. I felt like what I was experiencing wasn't real for a while and giggled every time someone spoke. I am sure I looked like a lunatic.

The other thing that was crazy was experiencing all those American goodies that I only saw on TV. YUM! I ate my weight in junk food while I was over there.

Hats off to Americans and cinnamon. They have a love affair with the spice and so do I. See? Soul sisters. Cinnamon sweets and cinnamon in baking- YUMMO!

So back to the blogs. After reading bloggies for a while I am quite familiar with American ingredients and baking and food. I really get into the recipes and find myself quite excited about another yummy sounding dip for Fritos. And then wonder what the heck Fritos are.

I found myself looking for an American brand of tomatoes in the grocery shop the other day without even thinking. Obviously burned into my brain. I was quite put out when I couldn't find it. Then reality inserted itself into my world again and I felt a little silly.

Still, can't give up on the blogs. And one day I will figure out what Fritos are!

My huney has a cold

My little boy is generally very healthy- no colds, no ear infections, nada. Up until now. He is Mr Shnuffle at the moment and has had very little sleep for two nights running and even less during the day. He has a giant cold complete with glazed runny eyes.

We went to see a potential accountant today and as I was driving there was a giant sneeze from the back seat. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw a slimy alien in place of my child. I urged my business partner "not to look" as it would make her stomach turn and stopped the car. I grabbed 16,000 tissues and ventured into the back seat. Yuck. All I will say is that I had to clean his t-shirt AND car seat as well as the boy himself....

In a sorry attempt to help him sleep with congested everything we have raised the end of his mattress, used a safe-t sleep to keep him on his side, wedged towels on either side of him and anchored the towels with cushions. I won't lie, this is to help him to sleep and so help myself to get some shut-eye. The last two nights have been well, interesting.

This is what I found earlier today. But hey, at least he was asleep even for a short while!

And yes, that is a cutting board sellotaped to the side of the cot in an attempt to stop him tossing his dummy out of the cot. Works- sort of..!

Dreaming

Infertility robs you of the ability to dream. Thoughts and dreams and desires are condensed into one narrow channel- the dream of a baby. I eventually found it almost impossible to dream long term or even medium term as we did not know when, if ever, we would have a child. We got to the place of wanting children and them we were stuck there for 6 long years. We could only live from month to month and at best, from treatment cycle to treatment cycle.

We just did not know when our breakthrough would come and the thought that it could be this month or the next month or the next month stifled dreaming and planning and wondering. Slowly but surely our perspective shortened and we could only dream of one thing. Our hearts grew sick from the waiting and we turned backwards and watched time tick by.

So when our breakthrough came we didn't magically start dreaming again. We had to learn how to dream again. Our hearts had to learn and trust again that there were possibilities out there and it was safe to dream. I had forgotten how to dream.

We continued to live in the moment. The wonderful amazing now moment. The moment of a new baby bonding and loving. It was a safe and warm cocoon. I had no thoughts of the future and could not imagine My Small Man past the next monthly milestone.

As we went to court and things have become even more certain with the adoption My Big Man began to dream. He talked about a holiday in the future with My Small Man. I could feel my mind muscles stretch and pop as I considered this possibility. A holiday? In the future? I thought about My Small Man as a 3 year old and something in me began to blossom. My heart dared to start to dream again.

Lately we have even (gasp!) been dreaming about school for My Small Man! Crazy! We have figured out where we want him to go to school and this has been such fun. Imagine! We get to think and dream about stuff like schools and holidays and a little boy running around and maybe playing sport!

What a joy this is. There's so much about parenthood we just don't take for granted. People say to us "oh you just wait until he starts crawling, walking, talking etc. You won't like it so much then!" But we will. We relish every stage and every moment. And to think that we have so much more to come.

I even dreamed the other day about the woman My Small Man would marry. Now THAT made me cry with pure joy! He will make such a loving and wonderful husband. Who cleans the toilet by the way. My Big Man believes that cleaning the toilet is mans work and has already told My Small Man that he will be doing it one day.

Amen to that!

Healing

This photo speaks a thousand words.

My incredible husband has been through so much in the last 6 years. We have walked through infertility that ripped the heart out of him and then when we thought life could not get any worse, in one of our darkest moments, he lost his Dad. My Big Man was incredibly close to his Dad and his sudden death nearly took him down. It has taken 18 months and only now does he feel like he is coming up for air.

So when I see him standing at twilight looking at the ocean with his little son, I can't help but cry. The two of them together as one, the way we dreamed and hoped for for so long. The way he looks at our little boy reminds me of the way his Dad looked at him. With utter love and devotion.

I know that My Big Man's heart is finally healing and it's just so wonderful.

Bloggie night out

The Equippers church blogger chicks met for coffee and dessert last night. We went to Frasers, where a lemon meringue pie was HIGHLY recommended by Gail. The poor girl was feeling the pressure as 3 of us ordered it but it was delicious (mine was still warm from the over- yum!)

It was a night out for all of us and I was ridiculously giddy with excitement. A NIGHT OUT! By myself and for fun. No organising the men in my life to get somewhere or pretending to be professional at a meeting. It was just for me. Lovely.

We talked and laughed and gave and received wise words and some not-so-wise-crazy-woman words! I loved every minute.

L-R round the table: Gail of Delightfully Diva-ish; Amy of Haven Space; Amanda of Ecomum; Penny of My Spirited Baby; Simoney of Greatfun4kids and me

Thanks for organising it, Gail a.k.a Crazy Mummy!

My heart sings

In the busyness of this week (and more buildings to plan in) I really wanted to take My Small Man to "Mainly Music" class.





This is a music group I would not have been seen dead in 9 months ago, let alone join in ALONG WITH all the actions. 9 months on, I have no shame. Singing crazy songs with stupid actions (sometimes even using implements like plastic plates....) makes my son happy so I will do it gladly.





And as we sat there he rested his little hand on my leg. I thought my heart would burst with sheer joy.





He has separation anxiety really badly and to be honest, I love it. I am bonded like super glue to him but seeing the physical evidence of his attachment to me, as his Mommy, has done something to my heart. I realise I have to let go and help him realise I will come back when I go away and yes, I do let him cry (a little), but blah blah. For this moment, I love it.





He likes to be near me and I like to be near him. This is a picture of our working week. Me and him near each other. Utter, utter bliss.

So blessed. So grateful.

God is funny...again

In the middle of the insanity of the last 3 days worth of deadlines, I had another meeting. Afterwards we stood outside the building chatting. The two men I was with know a lot about the property industry and I know....very little. I mean, I know a lot, but not about forecasts and analysis' and numbers and such like. As they bandied numbers and issues and opinions around, I felt like I was about 3 years old. They would look at me occasionally for an opinion and I think I said "Gah."

I am supposed to know stuff like that now. I OWN a design company for heavens sake. I am a director (two directors and no staff- haha!) ... and directors know things. Them's the rules.

I was never Miss Analytical. Ever. When pitching for work, I was the one that got called in when they needed a creative edge. Or someone who could be friendly and build a rapport. I never dazzled anyone with my inside knowledge of what deals are going down where and who knows who and how much that cost. Ever.

I am the person who sees the pattern (you know those black and white silhouette pattern things) no-one else sees and THEN sees what everyone sees. I think with the other side of my brain- can never remember if it's left or right! I am a creative. Not a logical, analytical guru.

So this is funny and very uncomfortable. As I tried to say as little as possible at the end of that meeting, and smile a lot I could feel my mouth shaking. With sheer nervousness. I was thinking "WHAT THE HECK?!?"

I was quite clear with God that this whole design deal was meant to be small. Non threatening and little. Easy, small jobs. We were not going to be a force in the design industry. I wanted to remain friends with everyone and not take work off anybody......

The job we are working on at the moment is big. A big juicy job. And at this meeting they talked about putting us forward for another project 3 times as big as this one. Ok, that's HUGE.

How would we win it? I mean, hello? Who would I dazzle with my non-analytical brain? The CEO and the board? I think not.

And then I heard Him laughing again. It's not up to me. He wins the projects, he won the ones we have. Phew. And just maybe it's good for me to be this dependant on Him. To feel like I am 3 years old in meetings. It keeps me thirsty and hungry for His leadership and wisdom and analytical knowledge.

God is funny. Again. But super cool and very smart too.

The tale of 3 Wormies

Once upon a time there lived a stuffed toy worm called Wormie. He had come to live with the little prince My Small Man and had become greatly beloved of the prince. There was no one in the whole land like Wormie. He was (verily) able to soothe the prince and he was so loved that he was chewed and sucked and cuddled by the prince constantly.

This while a great honour, had begun to take its toll on poor Wormie. The great Queen (that's me, the fair and wise and wondrous Queen...) in her wisdom began to seek the village that the Wormie had come from. This was to see if any of Wormie's family would come and help Wormie care for the young prince. She searched high and low and eventually found the village (in Farmers store)

She had worried that the young prince may not like Wormie's family as much as he loved Wormie. The joy that the young prince showed when he saw Wormie's family in the village put the Queens concerns to rest. The joy was very loudly expressed.

Wormie's brother Wormie II agreed to come to live at the castle. The Queen asked another brother Wormie III to come along too. The young prince could not be separated from Wormie II and III and this proved an embarrassment at the border post of the village.

Never the less there was great rejoicing at the castle. The young prince could not believe that he now has 3 Wormies and his joy knows no bounds. The burden for caring for the young prince can now be shared and Wormie can have some well earned rest. Hopefully he will recover his shape and colour some time soon.

And they all lived happily in the cot/ pram/ car and house ever after.

Happiness is...creating

More miracles. Got some more work- one more step on the way to sealing that big project.

The client is thinking about 5 different buildings and need to see how they fit into each one. I get to dream and draw and create, working inside the walls of each building. Turning and moving and twisting spaces until suddenly it clicks.

And fits.

I find myself dreaming of them and what their place will feel like when you finally walk into it. Thinking honey and oak and lemon and aqua. Soft spaces with rounded edges. Circles.

Crazy deadline with sore tired red eyes. But such fun and such an ease. God's grace to create.

.

Nice.

God is funny

God makes me laugh sometimes. Mostly I laugh at myself (a lot) but sometimes God makes me laugh...

My business partner and I decided to drum up some design business. As we have none currently. Oh so many promises but nothing actual.

So we made some fabulous little flyers and decided to hit two big office blocks in the city and go floor to floor and give them out. I mean, who knows who needs to refurbish their office, right?

So there we are going floor to floor and S says "Ummm.. did you see that sign when we came in? The one that says No Hawkers?" Furtive discussion takes place on whether or not we are hawkers. Decide yes we are. Level of comfort at what we are doing plummets. It was a zero to start off with as neither of us are extroverts and now is down in the basement...next to the recycling bins.

So plan two is to (again furtively) copy down all the names of the companies in the building from the directory board, and post our flyers to them. So we are hanging out in a huge posh lobby, trying to look like we 1. belong there 2. are not hawkers 3. are not hideously uncomfortable at writing the names of companies down..... and this person walks out the lifts.

It's Mike, a guy I did a huge job with ages ago that I really like. We worked so well together and he's a project manager (so can give us work!!) He had left the last company he was working for and I had been unable to track him down. Long story short, very happy to see us and yes, please send him info on us and may have some work for us!

Thanks God and yes we heard the heavenly laughter! The whole very uncomfortable endeavour was worth it for that one encounter. So very God.

So we had coffee and came home. The end.

Remember

When I am dog tired and this little face is protesting loudly here at my knee, at not being held constantly and I just need some quiet space to hear myself think, I remember....

To thank God every day for him. To thank God that He gave me a son. To remember those who have not had their breakthrough yet and get down on my knees and pray for them.

I remember them and pray (as one comment on a post said) for their richly deserved "moments of happiness". Lord, may their breakthroughs be soon.

Getting real

Through a blog I love I found a link to this post. It's by a musician Shaun Groves and the honesty is searing. I loved every word. How often are we pretending- especially us Christian girls? Pretend that everything is ok, we are doing just fine and our lives are on track. I would say far too often.

We all have qualities we prize. Characteristics that we hold dear. I prize three- loyalty, honesty and kindness. Everyone of my soul friends has those three. They have to have them to be a soul friend of mine. A case in point, this post from Simoney. She just oozes loyalty, kindness and honesty and I love her to pieces. I hate it when I feel people are not open or honest with me- especially when I have opened my heart to them. But how often am I honest with myself? Do I pretend with me?

Yes.

And that's what inspires and challenges me about Shaun Groves' post. He is open and honest with himself. There's no hiding at all. Why do we hide? A million reasons and none are worth mentioning. Why shouldn't we hide? The much more important question. Because we are loved and accepted and we please God. When we are saved, we please God because He looks at us through Jesus, who pleases Him a lot!

This verse is from a passage God gave me this week. It's probably the second time I have had a passage given to me by God about me and so clearly. But even better, it's about all of us.

.

"Take a good look at my servant.

I'm backing him to the hilt.

He's the one I chose,

and I couldn't be more pleased with him. Isaiah 42: 1 (Msg)

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So here's the deal for me, STOP PRETENDING!

I will no longer pretend:

• That I in anyway have life together. I am a broken mess that God is putting together piece by piece.

• That I can do life without God. I need Him more than the air I breathe. If I do not have a quiet time every day I am a nightmare.

• That I know anything about mother-hood. I really have no idea and have no interest in spending hours and hours researching how to do this gig. God has to lead me and show me.

• That I know how to run a business. See above.

• That our infertility journey is over and we are living on the other side. The drugs and blood tests and procedures are hard. We may not be in emotional pain but this is still hard.

Learning to not pretend is a journey and it means no caring what people think. I am getting better at it. People will always judge you and I have learnt nothing you do will stop that. So too bad!

God (and even some people) likes me a lot and that's all that matters!!!

Fed

This week has been about food. Natural and spiritual food.

We went to Plunket last week for My Small Man's 9 month visit. The difference between his weight and height was too pronounced for their liking. So. Big chats. What are you feeding, how much, how often.... plus a letter to my doctor and instructions to go and see him. I slunk out of the rooms feeling like I was branded "Evil Mother". Giant letters, on my forehead no less.

So I started measuring everything. Two thirds of a cup of solids at a meal NO MORE. 150ml of formula NO MORE. And turns out that's too much food for My Small man anyway and he won't take it all. Sigh.

My doctor was amazing. If you are in Auckland my clinic is incredible. They are holistic without the voodoo and are not into medicating off the bat. So with some simple advice and reassurance I started cooking and mixing and making. I love cooking for my family. I love the idea that I am feeding and nourishing them. As I made food for My Small Man I thought about the goodness and purity of the food I was making and how good it would be for him.

Like the food that God gives us is so good for us. His word is food for our soul. I imagine that God stands in His giant kitchen preparing food for us- revelation and encouragement that will nourish and sustain us.

And I have been so hungry and thirsty for His word. We are living in a time that requires a lot of trust. For our family, for the little businesses, for finances- the lot. And it felt like the well was dry.

I had connect group on Tuesday night. It's for girls with a prophetic bent and led my someone I prize SO highly. It's not always easy to be in as there is no-where to hide but it's the right place and I would not swop my connect group for any other. There's not a lot of fluffies- imagine arriving after your day you have barely sat down and wammo!- let's prophesy over one another girls... and Sammy you are starting. Gulp.

Anyway every word that the leader spoke was for me. God spoke to me and into my heart. Talked about how to live the gap between the revelation we have heard and the reality of daily life. The grace of God and the ease He brings. Doing like living in His grace without struggle. It was like God gave me a 3 course meal that night. Yum!

I love how God feeds us. He prepares food especially for us. Food He knows we need. And food He knows we love. What a great cook He is!

I may not be a great cook but I am a fun food preparer! I peel golden Kiwi fruits so that they are like a boiled egg shape and let My Small Man go. He loves getting his fingers and face right into it and happily occupies himself for at least 20min- yes!

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