Dreaming

Infertility robs you of the ability to dream. Thoughts and dreams and desires are condensed into one narrow channel- the dream of a baby. I eventually found it almost impossible to dream long term or even medium term as we did not know when, if ever, we would have a child. We got to the place of wanting children and them we were stuck there for 6 long years. We could only live from month to month and at best, from treatment cycle to treatment cycle.

We just did not know when our breakthrough would come and the thought that it could be this month or the next month or the next month stifled dreaming and planning and wondering. Slowly but surely our perspective shortened and we could only dream of one thing. Our hearts grew sick from the waiting and we turned backwards and watched time tick by.

So when our breakthrough came we didn't magically start dreaming again. We had to learn how to dream again. Our hearts had to learn and trust again that there were possibilities out there and it was safe to dream. I had forgotten how to dream.

We continued to live in the moment. The wonderful amazing now moment. The moment of a new baby bonding and loving. It was a safe and warm cocoon. I had no thoughts of the future and could not imagine My Small Man past the next monthly milestone.

As we went to court and things have become even more certain with the adoption My Big Man began to dream. He talked about a holiday in the future with My Small Man. I could feel my mind muscles stretch and pop as I considered this possibility. A holiday? In the future? I thought about My Small Man as a 3 year old and something in me began to blossom. My heart dared to start to dream again.

Lately we have even (gasp!) been dreaming about school for My Small Man! Crazy! We have figured out where we want him to go to school and this has been such fun. Imagine! We get to think and dream about stuff like schools and holidays and a little boy running around and maybe playing sport!

What a joy this is. There's so much about parenthood we just don't take for granted. People say to us "oh you just wait until he starts crawling, walking, talking etc. You won't like it so much then!" But we will. We relish every stage and every moment. And to think that we have so much more to come.

I even dreamed the other day about the woman My Small Man would marry. Now THAT made me cry with pure joy! He will make such a loving and wonderful husband. Who cleans the toilet by the way. My Big Man believes that cleaning the toilet is mans work and has already told My Small Man that he will be doing it one day.

Amen to that!