Healing

This photo speaks a thousand words.

My incredible husband has been through so much in the last 6 years. We have walked through infertility that ripped the heart out of him and then when we thought life could not get any worse, in one of our darkest moments, he lost his Dad. My Big Man was incredibly close to his Dad and his sudden death nearly took him down. It has taken 18 months and only now does he feel like he is coming up for air.

So when I see him standing at twilight looking at the ocean with his little son, I can't help but cry. The two of them together as one, the way we dreamed and hoped for for so long. The way he looks at our little boy reminds me of the way his Dad looked at him. With utter love and devotion.

I know that My Big Man's heart is finally healing and it's just so wonderful.

Bloggie night out

The Equippers church blogger chicks met for coffee and dessert last night. We went to Frasers, where a lemon meringue pie was HIGHLY recommended by Gail. The poor girl was feeling the pressure as 3 of us ordered it but it was delicious (mine was still warm from the over- yum!)

It was a night out for all of us and I was ridiculously giddy with excitement. A NIGHT OUT! By myself and for fun. No organising the men in my life to get somewhere or pretending to be professional at a meeting. It was just for me. Lovely.

We talked and laughed and gave and received wise words and some not-so-wise-crazy-woman words! I loved every minute.

L-R round the table: Gail of Delightfully Diva-ish; Amy of Haven Space; Amanda of Ecomum; Penny of My Spirited Baby; Simoney of Greatfun4kids and me

Thanks for organising it, Gail a.k.a Crazy Mummy!

My heart sings

In the busyness of this week (and more buildings to plan in) I really wanted to take My Small Man to "Mainly Music" class.





This is a music group I would not have been seen dead in 9 months ago, let alone join in ALONG WITH all the actions. 9 months on, I have no shame. Singing crazy songs with stupid actions (sometimes even using implements like plastic plates....) makes my son happy so I will do it gladly.





And as we sat there he rested his little hand on my leg. I thought my heart would burst with sheer joy.





He has separation anxiety really badly and to be honest, I love it. I am bonded like super glue to him but seeing the physical evidence of his attachment to me, as his Mommy, has done something to my heart. I realise I have to let go and help him realise I will come back when I go away and yes, I do let him cry (a little), but blah blah. For this moment, I love it.





He likes to be near me and I like to be near him. This is a picture of our working week. Me and him near each other. Utter, utter bliss.

So blessed. So grateful.

God is funny...again

In the middle of the insanity of the last 3 days worth of deadlines, I had another meeting. Afterwards we stood outside the building chatting. The two men I was with know a lot about the property industry and I know....very little. I mean, I know a lot, but not about forecasts and analysis' and numbers and such like. As they bandied numbers and issues and opinions around, I felt like I was about 3 years old. They would look at me occasionally for an opinion and I think I said "Gah."

I am supposed to know stuff like that now. I OWN a design company for heavens sake. I am a director (two directors and no staff- haha!) ... and directors know things. Them's the rules.

I was never Miss Analytical. Ever. When pitching for work, I was the one that got called in when they needed a creative edge. Or someone who could be friendly and build a rapport. I never dazzled anyone with my inside knowledge of what deals are going down where and who knows who and how much that cost. Ever.

I am the person who sees the pattern (you know those black and white silhouette pattern things) no-one else sees and THEN sees what everyone sees. I think with the other side of my brain- can never remember if it's left or right! I am a creative. Not a logical, analytical guru.

So this is funny and very uncomfortable. As I tried to say as little as possible at the end of that meeting, and smile a lot I could feel my mouth shaking. With sheer nervousness. I was thinking "WHAT THE HECK?!?"

I was quite clear with God that this whole design deal was meant to be small. Non threatening and little. Easy, small jobs. We were not going to be a force in the design industry. I wanted to remain friends with everyone and not take work off anybody......

The job we are working on at the moment is big. A big juicy job. And at this meeting they talked about putting us forward for another project 3 times as big as this one. Ok, that's HUGE.

How would we win it? I mean, hello? Who would I dazzle with my non-analytical brain? The CEO and the board? I think not.

And then I heard Him laughing again. It's not up to me. He wins the projects, he won the ones we have. Phew. And just maybe it's good for me to be this dependant on Him. To feel like I am 3 years old in meetings. It keeps me thirsty and hungry for His leadership and wisdom and analytical knowledge.

God is funny. Again. But super cool and very smart too.

The tale of 3 Wormies

Once upon a time there lived a stuffed toy worm called Wormie. He had come to live with the little prince My Small Man and had become greatly beloved of the prince. There was no one in the whole land like Wormie. He was (verily) able to soothe the prince and he was so loved that he was chewed and sucked and cuddled by the prince constantly.

This while a great honour, had begun to take its toll on poor Wormie. The great Queen (that's me, the fair and wise and wondrous Queen...) in her wisdom began to seek the village that the Wormie had come from. This was to see if any of Wormie's family would come and help Wormie care for the young prince. She searched high and low and eventually found the village (in Farmers store)

She had worried that the young prince may not like Wormie's family as much as he loved Wormie. The joy that the young prince showed when he saw Wormie's family in the village put the Queens concerns to rest. The joy was very loudly expressed.

Wormie's brother Wormie II agreed to come to live at the castle. The Queen asked another brother Wormie III to come along too. The young prince could not be separated from Wormie II and III and this proved an embarrassment at the border post of the village.

Never the less there was great rejoicing at the castle. The young prince could not believe that he now has 3 Wormies and his joy knows no bounds. The burden for caring for the young prince can now be shared and Wormie can have some well earned rest. Hopefully he will recover his shape and colour some time soon.

And they all lived happily in the cot/ pram/ car and house ever after.

Happiness is...creating

More miracles. Got some more work- one more step on the way to sealing that big project.

The client is thinking about 5 different buildings and need to see how they fit into each one. I get to dream and draw and create, working inside the walls of each building. Turning and moving and twisting spaces until suddenly it clicks.

And fits.

I find myself dreaming of them and what their place will feel like when you finally walk into it. Thinking honey and oak and lemon and aqua. Soft spaces with rounded edges. Circles.

Crazy deadline with sore tired red eyes. But such fun and such an ease. God's grace to create.

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Nice.

God is funny

God makes me laugh sometimes. Mostly I laugh at myself (a lot) but sometimes God makes me laugh...

My business partner and I decided to drum up some design business. As we have none currently. Oh so many promises but nothing actual.

So we made some fabulous little flyers and decided to hit two big office blocks in the city and go floor to floor and give them out. I mean, who knows who needs to refurbish their office, right?

So there we are going floor to floor and S says "Ummm.. did you see that sign when we came in? The one that says No Hawkers?" Furtive discussion takes place on whether or not we are hawkers. Decide yes we are. Level of comfort at what we are doing plummets. It was a zero to start off with as neither of us are extroverts and now is down in the basement...next to the recycling bins.

So plan two is to (again furtively) copy down all the names of the companies in the building from the directory board, and post our flyers to them. So we are hanging out in a huge posh lobby, trying to look like we 1. belong there 2. are not hawkers 3. are not hideously uncomfortable at writing the names of companies down..... and this person walks out the lifts.

It's Mike, a guy I did a huge job with ages ago that I really like. We worked so well together and he's a project manager (so can give us work!!) He had left the last company he was working for and I had been unable to track him down. Long story short, very happy to see us and yes, please send him info on us and may have some work for us!

Thanks God and yes we heard the heavenly laughter! The whole very uncomfortable endeavour was worth it for that one encounter. So very God.

So we had coffee and came home. The end.

Remember

When I am dog tired and this little face is protesting loudly here at my knee, at not being held constantly and I just need some quiet space to hear myself think, I remember....

To thank God every day for him. To thank God that He gave me a son. To remember those who have not had their breakthrough yet and get down on my knees and pray for them.

I remember them and pray (as one comment on a post said) for their richly deserved "moments of happiness". Lord, may their breakthroughs be soon.

Getting real

Through a blog I love I found a link to this post. It's by a musician Shaun Groves and the honesty is searing. I loved every word. How often are we pretending- especially us Christian girls? Pretend that everything is ok, we are doing just fine and our lives are on track. I would say far too often.

We all have qualities we prize. Characteristics that we hold dear. I prize three- loyalty, honesty and kindness. Everyone of my soul friends has those three. They have to have them to be a soul friend of mine. A case in point, this post from Simoney. She just oozes loyalty, kindness and honesty and I love her to pieces. I hate it when I feel people are not open or honest with me- especially when I have opened my heart to them. But how often am I honest with myself? Do I pretend with me?

Yes.

And that's what inspires and challenges me about Shaun Groves' post. He is open and honest with himself. There's no hiding at all. Why do we hide? A million reasons and none are worth mentioning. Why shouldn't we hide? The much more important question. Because we are loved and accepted and we please God. When we are saved, we please God because He looks at us through Jesus, who pleases Him a lot!

This verse is from a passage God gave me this week. It's probably the second time I have had a passage given to me by God about me and so clearly. But even better, it's about all of us.

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"Take a good look at my servant.

I'm backing him to the hilt.

He's the one I chose,

and I couldn't be more pleased with him. Isaiah 42: 1 (Msg)

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So here's the deal for me, STOP PRETENDING!

I will no longer pretend:

• That I in anyway have life together. I am a broken mess that God is putting together piece by piece.

• That I can do life without God. I need Him more than the air I breathe. If I do not have a quiet time every day I am a nightmare.

• That I know anything about mother-hood. I really have no idea and have no interest in spending hours and hours researching how to do this gig. God has to lead me and show me.

• That I know how to run a business. See above.

• That our infertility journey is over and we are living on the other side. The drugs and blood tests and procedures are hard. We may not be in emotional pain but this is still hard.

Learning to not pretend is a journey and it means no caring what people think. I am getting better at it. People will always judge you and I have learnt nothing you do will stop that. So too bad!

God (and even some people) likes me a lot and that's all that matters!!!

Fed

This week has been about food. Natural and spiritual food.

We went to Plunket last week for My Small Man's 9 month visit. The difference between his weight and height was too pronounced for their liking. So. Big chats. What are you feeding, how much, how often.... plus a letter to my doctor and instructions to go and see him. I slunk out of the rooms feeling like I was branded "Evil Mother". Giant letters, on my forehead no less.

So I started measuring everything. Two thirds of a cup of solids at a meal NO MORE. 150ml of formula NO MORE. And turns out that's too much food for My Small man anyway and he won't take it all. Sigh.

My doctor was amazing. If you are in Auckland my clinic is incredible. They are holistic without the voodoo and are not into medicating off the bat. So with some simple advice and reassurance I started cooking and mixing and making. I love cooking for my family. I love the idea that I am feeding and nourishing them. As I made food for My Small Man I thought about the goodness and purity of the food I was making and how good it would be for him.

Like the food that God gives us is so good for us. His word is food for our soul. I imagine that God stands in His giant kitchen preparing food for us- revelation and encouragement that will nourish and sustain us.

And I have been so hungry and thirsty for His word. We are living in a time that requires a lot of trust. For our family, for the little businesses, for finances- the lot. And it felt like the well was dry.

I had connect group on Tuesday night. It's for girls with a prophetic bent and led my someone I prize SO highly. It's not always easy to be in as there is no-where to hide but it's the right place and I would not swop my connect group for any other. There's not a lot of fluffies- imagine arriving after your day you have barely sat down and wammo!- let's prophesy over one another girls... and Sammy you are starting. Gulp.

Anyway every word that the leader spoke was for me. God spoke to me and into my heart. Talked about how to live the gap between the revelation we have heard and the reality of daily life. The grace of God and the ease He brings. Doing like living in His grace without struggle. It was like God gave me a 3 course meal that night. Yum!

I love how God feeds us. He prepares food especially for us. Food He knows we need. And food He knows we love. What a great cook He is!

I may not be a great cook but I am a fun food preparer! I peel golden Kiwi fruits so that they are like a boiled egg shape and let My Small Man go. He loves getting his fingers and face right into it and happily occupies himself for at least 20min- yes!

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A fishy business

Today is one of those days where I long for Summer. Ahhh, Summer. Heat, warmth, mmmmm.

I had to get myself out of bed this morning for a blood test. There are only two places open on a Sat morning and they are both across town. Bearing in mind that half the population seems to need blood tests on a Sat morning I decided to get there early.

Lucky I did as half an hour before it opened I was FIFTH in line! So we stood outside in a little queue waiting and by the time it opened I was frozen solid and needed the toilet badly due to the 16 litres of water I had drunk in a vain attempt to flush open my veins.

The cold had not done my veins any favours and the comment by the male blood sucker of "Oh my! Where could your little veins be?" did little to encourage my fainting heart. Best we draw a curtain over the next 5 minutes but there was a lot of muttering in the car on the way home.

Never mind. My friends were waiting for me at home. The friends that help me survive winter. I heart them (a lot)

My BF is my woolen vest. My lovely double layer lambs wool vest. He's not that attractive to look at but he encloses your torso in a loving lambie hug. If he ever goes to vest heaven I will be grieving in a big way.

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My BFF is a blast from the past. Fishpaste. Yup, you heard right AND it goes on your toast. Logic defies this one. My adult brain tries to rationalise why I am eating a paste made from anchovies on my toast while drinking coffee, but my childhood self just sighs in ecstasy. Can't explain it, it's just so good.

Fishpaste is entwined in a lot of my childhood memories. I remember eating it on white bread (cut into quarters) during lunch break in my first year of school. Grade 1 at Cliffview Primary in Joburg. My Small Man eats it now. Yum-O!

Yes. My friends help me through winter. But I really really really can't wait for Summer!

Have a great weekend!

Capacity and random ramblings

Life is just crazy and full. My Small Man is all boy and all go and mostly all attention. The little businesses that I have are full-on too. It all seems too large to squeeze into my small life. Or my small head. Or my small personality. It just seems too big.



So I was telling God this the other day. "God!" I said. "This is TOOOO much." Grumbling and muttering followed. He whispered back, "I have built the capacity within you".



Oh.



And I thought back to the years we have had. Big years. HUGE years. At one time My Big Man was working for our church, I was in a very stressful and demanding job and we were starting to deal with infertility. I remember how God built capacity in us through that very full and demanding time.



I love how what He has built in us does not evaporate or diminish with time. he has built a deep well in me, a well of capacity. And now I can go back and draw pure cool water from the well. Water of strength and endurance and energy. The water is Him.



So glad I don;t have to do this alone and without Him. Because I am utterly in love with life right now. This is where I want to be in every way. I LOVE being a Mommy, having My Small Man around all the time and having little businesses on the go. I love my life. And yes it's huge because I have the capacity.



Thanks God!



And...



I got an order for 10 merino wraps!!! Woohoo! I was thrilled until I worked out the total profit (not even counting my time) equalled 1 HOUR of design time....! Yikes. I had to laugh. Design is not truly where my heart is but is really where the dollar is (darn) Still the baby stuff is my passion and I am just starting out. That's what I am telling myself anyway.



Lastly.



Something I found quite extraordinary....



Soulemama is a blog I follow. Mostly fascination as the whole earth mother is something I find very interesting, being a bit of a "natural" girl myself. Soulemama takes it to a whole new level though and I am not sure I want to follow. I do love her blog though.



Anyway.



She posted about using HANDKERCHIEFS! I didn't know anyone used them anymore!!! Bear in mind that I am convinced about looking after the earth and using natural things. However I am a tissue girl and didn't realise anyone actually used handkerchiefs anymore!!!! I am intrigued! The last time I owned a handkerchief was when I got one from my grandmother for my confirmation. It hung around in my bible for years. I had no idea I was actually meant to USE it......



Live and learn, huh?!? Hehe!