Imprinted

I am freshly amazed at the relationship My Small Man and I have.

I have heard stories about how baby animals "imprint" their mother and form a tight and strong relationship with her. How baby animals have also "imprinted" a human rather than their own species, if separated from their species at the crucial bonding stage. This imprinting goes beyond bonding and attachment. It's something deeper.
I never thought about it in a human context but now I know it personally. My Small Man and I have imprinted each other. It's the most incredible thing.

I am all he knows as a mother and he is all I know for a child. For each other there is only the other person. I cannot imagine a child of mine that is not him. Even when I think of a biological child, I can only bring to mind his face, his personality and his character. There is nothing else for me. He is imprinted on me.

And I am all he knows. For a mother figure bringing comfort and nurture there is only me. I should mention that he adores My Big Man and is as comfortable and happy with him as with me! I am talking purely from a mothering point of view. I could not be closer to him if he was my very own DNA and came from my body. For us there is no difference.

The social worker called this week as we are able to begin the final adoption proceedings. Basically a rubber stamp I understand. She asked if we wanted to proceed..... the question took my breath away. To not proceed is inconceivable. Incomprehendable. I can't even bend my mind around the question. I think I laughed as I replied as I didn't know what else to say!

And as My Small Man reached for me again today and wrapped his little arms around me and buried his face in my shoulder, I marvelled. How blessed am I? To have the honour and privilege of loving and nurturing this little person with spirit and soul and personality.

I am utterly besotted and totally imprinted.

The grey

Two of our favourite people in the world are in NZ for a month. They are such amazing friends and we talk about everything with such honesty. Last night was no exception. Over dinner we got onto the subject of the "grey areas".

The grey areas are those areas where there is a gap between our knowledge and understanding and the issue. A place that we so often fill with our opinions, our interpretations of what we think God says and our judgements.

Issues and situations like divorce, depression, homosexuality, infertility treatment and so many others. Yes, we can flick to a section of the bible and quote verses about what God says but.... there are so many situations that are not choice and are not directly related to a sin committed by the person in that situation.

Those are the grey areas.

We talked about a situation that brought me to tears. And I have no answer. I am not even willing to try and fill the gap between my understanding and the issue. The more I go on, the less I know.

I know: I am loved. I am chosen. Jesus lives and He saves me. There is only one God and He is a God of love. That's it.

We are so judgemental as people and I include myself at the front of the queue. We have even been judgemental about others and how they parent. Only to get down the track and realise it's not so clear cut or straight forward.

Life is not brutally black and white. And as a black and white person I have learnt a valuable lesson through my own suffering. Grace. Grace fills the gap. I do not have answers for what I see around me but I can extend Grace. That doesn't mean excusing sin, but the issues I am talking about are not sin. They are sin related as we live in a fallen world.

Yikes.

I am drawn to one of my favourite verses.

Your world is a lamp for my feet

And a light for my path Psalm 119:105

A lamp for MY feet and MY path. Revelation for MY journey. Light/ revelation that is immediate and personal and unique and individual. For ME. That's all I have to know. How I am doing. And then extend grace to others.

Simple.

Well, hello

I am alive although have a hacking cough (hence sleeping partner less at the mo) and still going through an enormous amount of tissues. How much stuff can actually come out your nose? Don't answer that....

My Small Man is on the mend (PRAISE GOD!) and is slightly less grumpy. Again, praise the Lord, I say. His sneezing has fewer alien (snot trails- sorry!) results so he is definitely better.

We have had a crazy busy week with work and it's been fun doing it all while sick. It's good though and we are dreaming of the Ugandan widows and orphans we are going to support and save so that they can hear about Jesus. How can you expect someone receive Jesus unless you care for them and feed them and show them that someone gives a hoot?Well, I feel that you can't so I have asked God for audacious amounts of money through our business so we can build a whole Watoto village for the ex-child soldiers. Come on God!

We have our first residential job for someone who is renovating this massive beach front house in Bucklands Beach. We had such fun this morning whizzing round choosing tiles and carpet and paint! I love that we decide how we will work and the ethics and values we will have. We decided that everyone we meet is a partner and we are a team. Love it. No "them and us".

We are going to an industry function later this afternoon and again I love that we decide the profile and values of our company. We are not dressing up, not going to be snobby and not be cagey about our work. We are going to have fun and be friendly and (horror gasp!) say hello to people from other design companies!!!! I know....CRAZY! But I have even got in trouble from my old bosses for being too friendly to staff from competing companies, in the past. How dumb. So I checked with my boss, oh wait, I am the boss!!! And I said that we should be friendly and show the love of Christ. How radical and fun will that be??!!??

Cobwebby

Poor neglected blog. It's been days since I posted and it has cobwebs hanging off it.

I would love to have some incredible revelation from God or wise words but I have a bad cold and my brain is currently wrapped up in bed asleep.

My Small Man and My Big Man also have the heinous evil cold. How sweet, we all match.
We even had Lisa Bevere at church yesterday but through the haze of the cold all I could think of is "Man, that girl's skinny!" So obviously no incredible revelation (although I am SURE there was some to be had as she is pretty amazing) if I was transfixed by her body shape.

The doctor says we are not dying which is a relief and should be on the mend soon. That's means a meaningful post will be coming....sometime.

Americanisms

I am an avid blog haunter. My reading list is massive and actually most blogs I read are from the states. I love those American girls! Very similar to South African girls I think....in other words down right fabulous.

I won a trip to Chicago years ago for design and it was a revelation. Suddenly I was IN the land of the American accent. Because really my only exposure to American accents was though film and TV. So in my head those accents were not real. I remember the feeling of hearing all those accents for the first time in real life. It was a mind bender. I felt like what I was experiencing wasn't real for a while and giggled every time someone spoke. I am sure I looked like a lunatic.

The other thing that was crazy was experiencing all those American goodies that I only saw on TV. YUM! I ate my weight in junk food while I was over there.

Hats off to Americans and cinnamon. They have a love affair with the spice and so do I. See? Soul sisters. Cinnamon sweets and cinnamon in baking- YUMMO!

So back to the blogs. After reading bloggies for a while I am quite familiar with American ingredients and baking and food. I really get into the recipes and find myself quite excited about another yummy sounding dip for Fritos. And then wonder what the heck Fritos are.

I found myself looking for an American brand of tomatoes in the grocery shop the other day without even thinking. Obviously burned into my brain. I was quite put out when I couldn't find it. Then reality inserted itself into my world again and I felt a little silly.

Still, can't give up on the blogs. And one day I will figure out what Fritos are!

My huney has a cold

My little boy is generally very healthy- no colds, no ear infections, nada. Up until now. He is Mr Shnuffle at the moment and has had very little sleep for two nights running and even less during the day. He has a giant cold complete with glazed runny eyes.

We went to see a potential accountant today and as I was driving there was a giant sneeze from the back seat. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw a slimy alien in place of my child. I urged my business partner "not to look" as it would make her stomach turn and stopped the car. I grabbed 16,000 tissues and ventured into the back seat. Yuck. All I will say is that I had to clean his t-shirt AND car seat as well as the boy himself....

In a sorry attempt to help him sleep with congested everything we have raised the end of his mattress, used a safe-t sleep to keep him on his side, wedged towels on either side of him and anchored the towels with cushions. I won't lie, this is to help him to sleep and so help myself to get some shut-eye. The last two nights have been well, interesting.

This is what I found earlier today. But hey, at least he was asleep even for a short while!

And yes, that is a cutting board sellotaped to the side of the cot in an attempt to stop him tossing his dummy out of the cot. Works- sort of..!

Dreaming

Infertility robs you of the ability to dream. Thoughts and dreams and desires are condensed into one narrow channel- the dream of a baby. I eventually found it almost impossible to dream long term or even medium term as we did not know when, if ever, we would have a child. We got to the place of wanting children and them we were stuck there for 6 long years. We could only live from month to month and at best, from treatment cycle to treatment cycle.

We just did not know when our breakthrough would come and the thought that it could be this month or the next month or the next month stifled dreaming and planning and wondering. Slowly but surely our perspective shortened and we could only dream of one thing. Our hearts grew sick from the waiting and we turned backwards and watched time tick by.

So when our breakthrough came we didn't magically start dreaming again. We had to learn how to dream again. Our hearts had to learn and trust again that there were possibilities out there and it was safe to dream. I had forgotten how to dream.

We continued to live in the moment. The wonderful amazing now moment. The moment of a new baby bonding and loving. It was a safe and warm cocoon. I had no thoughts of the future and could not imagine My Small Man past the next monthly milestone.

As we went to court and things have become even more certain with the adoption My Big Man began to dream. He talked about a holiday in the future with My Small Man. I could feel my mind muscles stretch and pop as I considered this possibility. A holiday? In the future? I thought about My Small Man as a 3 year old and something in me began to blossom. My heart dared to start to dream again.

Lately we have even (gasp!) been dreaming about school for My Small Man! Crazy! We have figured out where we want him to go to school and this has been such fun. Imagine! We get to think and dream about stuff like schools and holidays and a little boy running around and maybe playing sport!

What a joy this is. There's so much about parenthood we just don't take for granted. People say to us "oh you just wait until he starts crawling, walking, talking etc. You won't like it so much then!" But we will. We relish every stage and every moment. And to think that we have so much more to come.

I even dreamed the other day about the woman My Small Man would marry. Now THAT made me cry with pure joy! He will make such a loving and wonderful husband. Who cleans the toilet by the way. My Big Man believes that cleaning the toilet is mans work and has already told My Small Man that he will be doing it one day.

Amen to that!