My Da

Bit sad today, well really sad. This is June and last June our world imploded. My Da passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. My beloved father-in-law went to be with Jesus. It was the worst night of my life, the worst week of my life followed by the worst month of my life and so on.

He was incomparable. A man of integrity and filled to the brim with love. He welcomed a homesick little South African into his family and made me his own. I desperately wanted to be loved for me not as his beloved son's wife, and I was.

I can't believe that it's nearly a year. How have we managed to live without him? Only by the grace of God. I am not sure if anyone can relate but it was like the centre was ripped out of our family. I did not realise how much the family was built around this quiet, strong and loving man.

The agony we felt over his death was that it was too soon. We were devastated that this man would not hold our children. He was a Koro (grandfather) like no other. He loved children and was more involved in his grand children's lives than any other grand parent I have known. We "outed" ourselves in terms of the struggle we had with infertility at the funeral- in front of 500 people as we did not have the strength to hide and cover up. While this gave the extended family permission to talk to and support us, one of the people that made this ok and believed with everything he had for our children, was not there anymore.

My Da was adopted and he had promised to help us with making it ok. When we were raw and hurting from the failed adoption at the end of 2007 he soothed us. He told us that it would be ok. And suddenly he wasn't there any more.

It has been such a bittersweet year for My Big Man. He has missed his father so much, the gaping hole is still there. I see it in his eyes. His dream has come true and he is a Daddy but he has lost his Dad. There is such sweetness but such pain too.

And yet, this, our darkest hour, was truly before the dawn. My Small Man's birth mother was 5 months pregnant when my Da died. It seems impossible that 12 months later there is a baby almost 8 months old. God's timing is perfect, we have to hold onto that. But I have to say that it kills me that my Da will never hold My Small Man.

The day he died he sat in his armchair and said to my mother-in-law that he could not wait to cuddle our child. And then less than 12 hours later he was gone. My mother-in-law had a vision that night. She was beside herself with grief and she relates how she suddenly saw her beloved husband. She said he was holding our son in his arms just like he wanted to. And the knowledge that he was in heaven and had held our son gave her the strength to carry on through the days that followed.

So you can imagine her face when we told her that the little child we were adopting was a boy. I believe my Da has held My Small Man. He held him before he was born and he knows him. But I really wish he was here with us to see My Small Man. We miss him at every event and I really mourn the loss of this man.

On the 29 June 2009 it will be one year. The joy of having My Small Man around is undeniable, but I miss my Da so very much. We are going to the bach (beach house) this coming Sunday to plant a Kauri tree for him. No-one is anywhere near ready to scatter his ashes. That will have to wait.

I miss my Da. I miss him so much.