Intensity

This place here where we stand has such an intensity of joy. I am reminded again and again how blessed we are to be here. How God broke through for us and made our dreams come true.

Events and situations remind me that right now we are standing in a clear sun drenched meadow where I can see for miles. After walking through a dark forest valley for 6 years, this place is amazing. I can see the sky! Make no mistake, God was in the valley with us. He carried us and comforted us and sustained us. We learnt so much about the person of Jesus and we are forever grateful and changed. But breakthrough is so sweet. And I am reminded how sweet when I see the valleys that our loved ones are walking through.

My Big Man's cousin has entered a valley. He's just left his wife of 18 years. The questions around this and allocation of blame are not for us to even think about. The effects of the valley experience were visible today when we talked to him at a family birthday. The pain in his eyes and voice was hard to see. My heart just broke for him and his sweet wife. We would do anything to spare them pain but it is their valley to walk through.

As we drove home I felt almost lightheaded with relief at being out of our valley. There will be more valleys for us and possibly deeper and darker ones where we use the lessons God has taught us so well. But for now we are standing clear. I must admit I sometimes thought we would never be here. But God came through.

It is different here to where I imagined we would be. Breakthrough is different. We are parents of a little boy and we may only have one child. This meadow is different. But it is so good. The plans God has for us are better than we could have imagined or dreamed of. My Small Man is an "us". We are 3 now and it's so good sometimes I could scream with joy. Joy that come from a heart captured by God, not happiness based on circumstance.

I will probably never be pregnant and that's ok. We are starting the process of using our frozen embies but the outcome is unimportant. I probably won't be blogging about it. Our joy is complete now*. Despite circumstance it is complete now. Adoption has been hard and open adotion especially so. But we have reached a place where our joy is complete. We would not change a thing. My Small Man was worth every tear, and man, there were a lot! Buckets of tears!

So yes. I am slightly grateful! I love here and now with the sun on my head, clear view for miles standing with My Big Man at my side and My Small Man in my arms. Thank you God. Thank you so very much.

* I mean that our joy in this experience is complete. Total joy will only be complete when we see Jesus face to face.