the Apple of my Eye

I have something to say!

2009-11-09T20:07:00.006+13:00

Well.

There's no easy intro to this statement....

I am pregnant.

13 weeks pregnant, in fact. We are ecstatic to say the least. I have been writing posts since it all happened but am onlyactually posting the posts now so hop on over to my other blog and and scroll down to the 13 September when we found out.

I think I will be using my other blog during my pregnancy as its a better fit and is an amazing conclusion to our journey.

Thank you God!

ONE!

2009-11-05T15:13:00.004+13:00

My little boy turned one on Tuesday! I am behind on posting but have been existing in a work- fuelled haze. My mother came over today and so it's 3.15pm and I have got through today's list of things to do. Phewwwwwww....

Anyway, back to the man of the moment.

He's ONE!!!! I cannot believe that we have been living with our hearts desire for 11 months and 2 weeks! How blessed are we???

This time last year was so awful. Would it work out, would it not? Endless stress and trauma. This time last year we had met him once and now were at home trying to believe that it would all work out. The social workers were threatening and it looked it would collapse. But God knew.

The time from today November 5th to November 11th (when I was allowed to go back down and look after him) were the worst days of our lives. And look at us now!!! The same time this year is completely and utterly redeemed.

Joy lives with us and laughs at us when we go in to see if he's awake. Laughter tries to walk and falls over again and again. And love cuddles up to me, looking for his Mommy's touch. Every new stage is a wonder as he grows and matures. Our little helpless baby is a small boy now who knows his own mind and expresses his opinion. Love it!

I am so grateful and feel so incredibly blessed.

The Bride

2009-11-02T20:39:00.007+13:00

I am a bad and irregular blogger. This I know. I do have an excuse to offer though.... my wonderful friend and business partner got married on the weekend.

She has been very busy with wedding preparations and is now away on honeymoon so I have been REALLY busy with our design work. My life at the moment is design, play with My Small Man, design, eat, design, sleep, design, talk to my hubbie and so on. I love it and it's only for a few weeks but I haven't had any time to blog. Am I forgiven???

So I thought I would share a few pictures of the wedding. It's the only wedding I have been to where the entrance of the bride was greeted by wild applause and cheers. Joy overflowed and the wedding was exuberant. You could feel the presence of God. The bride looked absolutely gorgeous and the groom could not contain himself. It was perfect in every way.

The stunning bride

The very VERY happy groom

The two of us...just look at her eyes, joy just shining out!

Perfect!

Done

2009-10-26T10:14:00.008+13:00

This week we got a letter in the post

The adoption is final and done. Signed, sealed and delivered. We did not have a day in court, pictures with a judge and the lunch we planned to celebrate afterwards. At this stage of the adoption all we needed was one final interview with the social worker and then the court registrar would make the final decision based on the social workers report.

Done.

I love the way this works as it reflects how God is revealing another aspect of His character to us. Through this adoption we have lived His promise to me, given to me back in 2007 when we faced the last IVF cycle with my own eggs. We thought the prophecy was for then but it was for 2008, for the adoption and for now.

13 But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. 14 The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

My great glory will be displayed through Pharaoh and his troops, his chariots, and his charioteers. 18 When my glory is displayed through them, all Egypt will see my glory and know that I am the Lord!”

Exodus 14: 13-14 & 17b-18 (NLT)

He is just doing things. No fanfare, no shouting, no fuss. No 500 people interceding, no church wide prayers and texts and phonecalls. He just did it. I love it! God does not need what we offer. He works alongside us, invites and allows us to participate and our prayers can move mountains but essentially he is God and we are not. He does not need us to accomplish His Will. This means so much to me. Nothing could stop what He has planned for us. [This is not to say that we are not needed, God loves us and invites us into relationship with Him]

So without all the drama I would naturally (with my passionate personality) surround a final court date with, He just did it. And I drove home, opened the mailbox and in the driveway, read a letter that changed my life. Forever altered who I am and gave us a lineage.

A family tree is established. Forever.

Medieval madness!

2009-10-18T16:33:00.014+13:00

The medieval banquet we went to last weekend was amazing! So much fun. My friend M's mum organised it "just because"! There were at least 75 adults there and lots of kiddies running around...just a small party!

We went down to help set up and we were in medieval heaven. We draped acres of fabric, hung a stags head, put up flag poles, hung huge amounts of bunting and placed swords, pewter bits and pieces and generally had a fabulous time.

M's mum had made My Small man a costume (you know, just quickly MADE it!) and organised costumes for the rest of us. There was medieval food too, lamb on the spit, venison, every vegetable known to man and about 300 steamed puddings for dessert with custards and brandy butter. YUMMO! Well, except for the pudding which had raisins in every one. I loathe the existence of currents and raisin but freely admit that it's an issue of my own.

There were large open fire braziers everywhere as it was cold and once it grew dark, it felt completely medieval. No electricity, just candles and braziers outside. Haunting medieval music played and at one stage I came outside and it was a little freaky. With everyone in costume gathered around the braziers, I could stepped back 600 years or so!

We had such fun!

The man himself

My two gorgeous men!

The four of us

Princess E

Prince G

Night time party!

Today is a good day

2009-10-14T15:32:00.003+13:00

My most beautiful son is ok (says Dr Mike) After more vomiting and stuff out the other end we went to the doctor who says he will be ok. Phew....was getting (really) worried.
The way my most lovely son goes purple and a bit slack in the body when I wipe his sore bum is just him holding his breath. Says Dr Mike. Phew....was REALLY worried and had the phone in my hand ready to call 111. Seasoned Mommys will laugh, but for those of us without a clue- scary times.
Reading "The Shack" and loving the way the Holy Spirit is a verb not a noun. So freeing. I want to live in expectancy and not from a place of expectation.
I am feeling better- have been feeling yucky. Will NOT be sick (in Jesus name!)
Two hours until My Big Man is home.

Today is a very good day!

Snuggle buggle time

2009-10-13T13:34:00.007+13:00

We went away with our friends M and E down south. M's Mum is a crazy fun-filled amazing woman of God who does huge things. She (said very casually) put on a medieval banquet for over 75 people on the weekend at her house. We loved it!

Pictures to follow.....but (much more importantly)

My Small Man came home with a bug caught off his friend Edie and had been so sick. Sick out of both ends! His first time. Must say, I don't mind being vomited on and changing liquid nappies as much as I thought I would. They are ok because they are his....go figure!

So we have spent two days snuggled up. He just wants to sit on me, snuggling in my arms and that's just fine with me. Everything else can wait. Work can fit in somehow around what he needs. I am his Mommy and he wants and needs me. Little arms reach out for me and his head drops back into my shoulder. Wormie comes up to hide his eyes and there are furious dummy sucking noises. A little haven of safety and comfort. Snuggle buggle time.

The Zoo-oo

2009-10-04T16:39:00.007+13:00

We went to the zoo yesterday and loved it! My Small Man has a big birthday coming up- his very first one and we are going to hold an afternoon tea at the zoo. The venue is so that the birth families can come along, have some fun and not be hemmed in. You see, they are still not talking to one another which makes holding an event slightly difficult. And we want the birth mum AND the birth dad there. We thought that the zoo has wide open spaces, other stuff to do if it all gets too much and is on neutral ground. We think we may have to have them at different times of the afternoon tea though....they don't want to see one another. Oh well, time is a healer and they are still young!

Anyway, we went along to have a look and see where we could hold it. And had a wonderful time too! The Auckland zoo is great. So animal orientated. I have vivid memories of the Joburg zoo as a child and the small concrete enclosure the lion had. He just paced back and forward endlessly. As a child I thought it was the cruelest thing ever and hated the zoo for years afterwards.

Well, the lions and tigers and giraffes and bigger animals are all so well looked after. I just felt sorry for the cheater (sp!). His enclosure was not quite big enough I felt. He couldn't really run, and those animals love to run! I got over myself though and really enjoyed it. My Small Man loved it too. If the animal moved, he noticed it and put his little arm out at the animal saying "ahh! ahh!" Super cute!

We ended with hot chips at one of the cafes. Bliss. What a great day and I just LOVE being a Mommy. Thank you God!

Imprinted

2009-09-25T16:44:00.005+12:00

I am freshly amazed at the relationship My Small Man and I have.

I have heard stories about how baby animals "imprint" their mother and form a tight and strong relationship with her. How baby animals have also "imprinted" a human rather than their own species, if separated from their species at the crucial bonding stage. This imprinting goes beyond bonding and attachment. It's something deeper.
I never thought about it in a human context but now I know it personally. My Small Man and I have imprinted each other. It's the most incredible thing.

I am all he knows as a mother and he is all I know for a child. For each other there is only the other person. I cannot imagine a child of mine that is not him. Even when I think of a biological child, I can only bring to mind his face, his personality and his character. There is nothing else for me. He is imprinted on me.

And I am all he knows. For a mother figure bringing comfort and nurture there is only me. I should mention that he adores My Big Man and is as comfortable and happy with him as with me! I am talking purely from a mothering point of view. I could not be closer to him if he was my very own DNA and came from my body. For us there is no difference.

The social worker called this week as we are able to begin the final adoption proceedings. Basically a rubber stamp I understand. She asked if we wanted to proceed..... the question took my breath away. To not proceed is inconceivable. Incomprehendable. I can't even bend my mind around the question. I think I laughed as I replied as I didn't know what else to say!

And as My Small Man reached for me again today and wrapped his little arms around me and buried his face in my shoulder, I marvelled. How blessed am I? To have the honour and privilege of loving and nurturing this little person with spirit and soul and personality.

I am utterly besotted and totally imprinted.

The grey

2009-09-22T13:53:00.005+12:00

Two of our favourite people in the world are in NZ for a month. They are such amazing friends and we talk about everything with such honesty. Last night was no exception. Over dinner we got onto the subject of the "grey areas".

The grey areas are those areas where there is a gap between our knowledge and understanding and the issue. A place that we so often fill with our opinions, our interpretations of what we think God says and our judgements.

Issues and situations like divorce, depression, homosexuality, infertility treatment and so many others. Yes, we can flick to a section of the bible and quote verses about what God says but.... there are so many situations that are not choice and are not directly related to a sin committed by the person in that situation.

Those are the grey areas.

We talked about a situation that brought me to tears. And I have no answer. I am not even willing to try and fill the gap between my understanding and the issue. The more I go on, the less I know.

I know: I am loved. I am chosen. Jesus lives and He saves me. There is only one God and He is a God of love. That's it.

We are so judgemental as people and I include myself at the front of the queue. We have even been judgemental about others and how they parent. Only to get down the track and realise it's not so clear cut or straight forward.

Life is not brutally black and white. And as a black and white person I have learnt a valuable lesson through my own suffering. Grace. Grace fills the gap. I do not have answers for what I see around me but I can extend Grace. That doesn't mean excusing sin, but the issues I am talking about are not sin. They are sin related as we live in a fallen world.

Yikes.

I am drawn to one of my favourite verses.

Your world is a lamp for my feet

And a light for my path Psalm 119:105

A lamp for MY feet and MY path. Revelation for MY journey. Light/ revelation that is immediate and personal and unique and individual. For ME. That's all I have to know. How I am doing. And then extend grace to others.

Simple.

Well, hello

2009-09-17T13:25:00.006+12:00

I am alive although have a hacking cough (hence sleeping partner less at the mo) and still going through an enormous amount of tissues. How much stuff can actually come out your nose? Don't answer that....

My Small Man is on the mend (PRAISE GOD!) and is slightly less grumpy. Again, praise the Lord, I say. His sneezing has fewer alien (snot trails- sorry!) results so he is definitely better.

We have had a crazy busy week with work and it's been fun doing it all while sick. It's good though and we are dreaming of the Ugandan widows and orphans we are going to support and save so that they can hear about Jesus. How can you expect someone receive Jesus unless you care for them and feed them and show them that someone gives a hoot?Well, I feel that you can't so I have asked God for audacious amounts of money through our business so we can build a whole Watoto village for the ex-child soldiers. Come on God!

We have our first residential job for someone who is renovating this massive beach front house in Bucklands Beach. We had such fun this morning whizzing round choosing tiles and carpet and paint! I love that we decide how we will work and the ethics and values we will have. We decided that everyone we meet is a partner and we are a team. Love it. No "them and us".

We are going to an industry function later this afternoon and again I love that we decide the profile and values of our company. We are not dressing up, not going to be snobby and not be cagey about our work. We are going to have fun and be friendly and (horror gasp!) say hello to people from other design companies!!!! I know....CRAZY! But I have even got in trouble from my old bosses for being too friendly to staff from competing companies, in the past. How dumb. So I checked with my boss, oh wait, I am the boss!!! And I said that we should be friendly and show the love of Christ. How radical and fun will that be??!!??

Cobwebby

2009-09-14T16:58:00.005+12:00

Poor neglected blog. It's been days since I posted and it has cobwebs hanging off it.

I would love to have some incredible revelation from God or wise words but I have a bad cold and my brain is currently wrapped up in bed asleep.

My Small Man and My Big Man also have the heinous evil cold. How sweet, we all match.
We even had Lisa Bevere at church yesterday but through the haze of the cold all I could think of is "Man, that girl's skinny!" So obviously no incredible revelation (although I am SURE there was some to be had as she is pretty amazing) if I was transfixed by her body shape.

The doctor says we are not dying which is a relief and should be on the mend soon. That's means a meaningful post will be coming....sometime.

Americanisms

2009-09-10T09:24:00.007+12:00

I am an avid blog haunter. My reading list is massive and actually most blogs I read are from the states. I love those American girls! Very similar to South African girls I think....in other words down right fabulous.

I won a trip to Chicago years ago for design and it was a revelation. Suddenly I was IN the land of the American accent. Because really my only exposure to American accents was though film and TV. So in my head those accents were not real. I remember the feeling of hearing all those accents for the first time in real life. It was a mind bender. I felt like what I was experiencing wasn't real for a while and giggled every time someone spoke. I am sure I looked like a lunatic.

The other thing that was crazy was experiencing all those American goodies that I only saw on TV. YUM! I ate my weight in junk food while I was over there.

Hats off to Americans and cinnamon. They have a love affair with the spice and so do I. See? Soul sisters. Cinnamon sweets and cinnamon in baking- YUMMO!

So back to the blogs. After reading bloggies for a while I am quite familiar with American ingredients and baking and food. I really get into the recipes and find myself quite excited about another yummy sounding dip for Fritos. And then wonder what the heck Fritos are.

I found myself looking for an American brand of tomatoes in the grocery shop the other day without even thinking. Obviously burned into my brain. I was quite put out when I couldn't find it. Then reality inserted itself into my world again and I felt a little silly.

Still, can't give up on the blogs. And one day I will figure out what Fritos are!

My huney has a cold

2009-09-08T13:44:00.006+12:00

My little boy is generally very healthy- no colds, no ear infections, nada. Up until now. He is Mr Shnuffle at the moment and has had very little sleep for two nights running and even less during the day. He has a giant cold complete with glazed runny eyes.

We went to see a potential accountant today and as I was driving there was a giant sneeze from the back seat. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw a slimy alien in place of my child. I urged my business partner "not to look" as it would make her stomach turn and stopped the car. I grabbed 16,000 tissues and ventured into the back seat. Yuck. All I will say is that I had to clean his t-shirt AND car seat as well as the boy himself....

In a sorry attempt to help him sleep with congested everything we have raised the end of his mattress, used a safe-t sleep to keep him on his side, wedged towels on either side of him and anchored the towels with cushions. I won't lie, this is to help him to sleep and so help myself to get some shut-eye. The last two nights have been well, interesting.

This is what I found earlier today. But hey, at least he was asleep even for a short while!

And yes, that is a cutting board sellotaped to the side of the cot in an attempt to stop him tossing his dummy out of the cot. Works- sort of..!

Dreaming

2009-09-03T10:25:00.005+12:00

Infertility robs you of the ability to dream. Thoughts and dreams and desires are condensed into one narrow channel- the dream of a baby. I eventually found it almost impossible to dream long term or even medium term as we did not know when, if ever, we would have a child. We got to the place of wanting children and them we were stuck there for 6 long years. We could only live from month to month and at best, from treatment cycle to treatment cycle.

We just did not know when our breakthrough would come and the thought that it could be this month or the next month or the next month stifled dreaming and planning and wondering. Slowly but surely our perspective shortened and we could only dream of one thing. Our hearts grew sick from the waiting and we turned backwards and watched time tick by.

So when our breakthrough came we didn't magically start dreaming again. We had to learn how to dream again. Our hearts had to learn and trust again that there were possibilities out there and it was safe to dream. I had forgotten how to dream.

We continued to live in the moment. The wonderful amazing now moment. The moment of a new baby bonding and loving. It was a safe and warm cocoon. I had no thoughts of the future and could not imagine My Small Man past the next monthly milestone.

As we went to court and things have become even more certain with the adoption My Big Man began to dream. He talked about a holiday in the future with My Small Man. I could feel my mind muscles stretch and pop as I considered this possibility. A holiday? In the future? I thought about My Small Man as a 3 year old and something in me began to blossom. My heart dared to start to dream again.

Lately we have even (gasp!) been dreaming about school for My Small Man! Crazy! We have figured out where we want him to go to school and this has been such fun. Imagine! We get to think and dream about stuff like schools and holidays and a little boy running around and maybe playing sport!

What a joy this is. There's so much about parenthood we just don't take for granted. People say to us "oh you just wait until he starts crawling, walking, talking etc. You won't like it so much then!" But we will. We relish every stage and every moment. And to think that we have so much more to come.

I even dreamed the other day about the woman My Small Man would marry. Now THAT made me cry with pure joy! He will make such a loving and wonderful husband. Who cleans the toilet by the way. My Big Man believes that cleaning the toilet is mans work and has already told My Small Man that he will be doing it one day.

Amen to that!

Healing

2009-08-30T14:43:00.005+12:00

This photo speaks a thousand words.

My incredible husband has been through so much in the last 6 years. We have walked through infertility that ripped the heart out of him and then when we thought life could not get any worse, in one of our darkest moments, he lost his Dad. My Big Man was incredibly close to his Dad and his sudden death nearly took him down. It has taken 18 months and only now does he feel like he is coming up for air.

So when I see him standing at twilight looking at the ocean with his little son, I can't help but cry. The two of them together as one, the way we dreamed and hoped for for so long. The way he looks at our little boy reminds me of the way his Dad looked at him. With utter love and devotion.

I know that My Big Man's heart is finally healing and it's just so wonderful.

Bloggie night out

2009-08-28T10:00:00.007+12:00

The Equippers church blogger chicks met for coffee and dessert last night. We went to Frasers, where a lemon meringue pie was HIGHLY recommended by Gail. The poor girl was feeling the pressure as 3 of us ordered it but it was delicious (mine was still warm from the over- yum!)

It was a night out for all of us and I was ridiculously giddy with excitement. A NIGHT OUT! By myself and for fun. No organising the men in my life to get somewhere or pretending to be professional at a meeting. It was just for me. Lovely.

We talked and laughed and gave and received wise words and some not-so-wise-crazy-woman words! I loved every minute.

L-R round the table: Gail of Delightfully Diva-ish; Amy of Haven Space; Amanda of Ecomum; Penny of My Spirited Baby; Simoney of Greatfun4kids and me

Thanks for organising it, Gail a.k.a Crazy Mummy!

My heart sings

2009-08-26T13:18:00.006+12:00

In the busyness of this week (and more buildings to plan in) I really wanted to take My Small Man to "Mainly Music" class.

This is a music group I would not have been seen dead in 9 months ago, let alone join in ALONG WITH all the actions. 9 months on, I have no shame. Singing crazy songs with stupid actions (sometimes even using implements like plastic plates....) makes my son happy so I will do it gladly.

And as we sat there he rested his little hand on my leg. I thought my heart would burst with sheer joy.

He has separation anxiety really badly and to be honest, I love it. I am bonded like super glue to him but seeing the physical evidence of his attachment to me, as his Mommy, has done something to my heart. I realise I have to let go and help him realise I will come back when I go away and yes, I do let him cry (a little), but blah blah. For this moment, I love it.

He likes to be near me and I like to be near him. This is a picture of our working week. Me and him near each other. Utter, utter bliss.

So blessed. So grateful.

God is funny...again

2009-08-22T22:02:00.006+12:00

In the middle of the insanity of the last 3 days worth of deadlines, I had another meeting. Afterwards we stood outside the building chatting. The two men I was with know a lot about the property industry and I know....very little. I mean, I know a lot, but not about forecasts and analysis' and numbers and such like. As they bandied numbers and issues and opinions around, I felt like I was about 3 years old. They would look at me occasionally for an opinion and I think I said "Gah."

I am supposed to know stuff like that now. I OWN a design company for heavens sake. I am a director (two directors and no staff- haha!) ... and directors know things. Them's the rules.

I was never Miss Analytical. Ever. When pitching for work, I was the one that got called in when they needed a creative edge. Or someone who could be friendly and build a rapport. I never dazzled anyone with my inside knowledge of what deals are going down where and who knows who and how much that cost. Ever.

I am the person who sees the pattern (you know those black and white silhouette pattern things) no-one else sees and THEN sees what everyone sees. I think with the other side of my brain- can never remember if it's left or right! I am a creative. Not a logical, analytical guru.

So this is funny and very uncomfortable. As I tried to say as little as possible at the end of that meeting, and smile a lot I could feel my mouth shaking. With sheer nervousness. I was thinking "WHAT THE HECK?!?"

I was quite clear with God that this whole design deal was meant to be small. Non threatening and little. Easy, small jobs. We were not going to be a force in the design industry. I wanted to remain friends with everyone and not take work off anybody......

The job we are working on at the moment is big. A big juicy job. And at this meeting they talked about putting us forward for another project 3 times as big as this one. Ok, that's HUGE.

How would we win it? I mean, hello? Who would I dazzle with my non-analytical brain? The CEO and the board? I think not.

And then I heard Him laughing again. It's not up to me. He wins the projects, he won the ones we have. Phew. And just maybe it's good for me to be this dependant on Him. To feel like I am 3 years old in meetings. It keeps me thirsty and hungry for His leadership and wisdom and analytical knowledge.

God is funny. Again. But super cool and very smart too.

The tale of 3 Wormies

2009-08-21T19:03:00.005+12:00

Once upon a time there lived a stuffed toy worm called Wormie. He had come to live with the little prince My Small Man and had become greatly beloved of the prince. There was no one in the whole land like Wormie. He was (verily) able to soothe the prince and he was so loved that he was chewed and sucked and cuddled by the prince constantly.

This while a great honour, had begun to take its toll on poor Wormie. The great Queen (that's me, the fair and wise and wondrous Queen...) in her wisdom began to seek the village that the Wormie had come from. This was to see if any of Wormie's family would come and help Wormie care for the young prince. She searched high and low and eventually found the village (in Farmers store)

She had worried that the young prince may not like Wormie's family as much as he loved Wormie. The joy that the young prince showed when he saw Wormie's family in the village put the Queens concerns to rest. The joy was very loudly expressed.

Wormie's brother Wormie II agreed to come to live at the castle. The Queen asked another brother Wormie III to come along too. The young prince could not be separated from Wormie II and III and this proved an embarrassment at the border post of the village.

Never the less there was great rejoicing at the castle. The young prince could not believe that he now has 3 Wormies and his joy knows no bounds. The burden for caring for the young prince can now be shared and Wormie can have some well earned rest. Hopefully he will recover his shape and colour some time soon.

And they all lived happily in the cot/ pram/ car and house ever after.

Happiness is...creating

2009-08-20T20:39:00.007+12:00

More miracles. Got some more work- one more step on the way to sealing that big project.

The client is thinking about 5 different buildings and need to see how they fit into each one. I get to dream and draw and create, working inside the walls of each building. Turning and moving and twisting spaces until suddenly it clicks.

And fits.

I find myself dreaming of them and what their place will feel like when you finally walk into it. Thinking honey and oak and lemon and aqua. Soft spaces with rounded edges. Circles.

Crazy deadline with sore tired red eyes. But such fun and such an ease. God's grace to create.

Nice.

God is funny

2009-08-18T12:55:00.005+12:00

God makes me laugh sometimes. Mostly I laugh at myself (a lot) but sometimes God makes me laugh...

My business partner and I decided to drum up some design business. As we have none currently. Oh so many promises but nothing actual.

So we made some fabulous little flyers and decided to hit two big office blocks in the city and go floor to floor and give them out. I mean, who knows who needs to refurbish their office, right?

So there we are going floor to floor and S says "Ummm.. did you see that sign when we came in? The one that says No Hawkers?" Furtive discussion takes place on whether or not we are hawkers. Decide yes we are. Level of comfort at what we are doing plummets. It was a zero to start off with as neither of us are extroverts and now is down in the basement...next to the recycling bins.

So plan two is to (again furtively) copy down all the names of the companies in the building from the directory board, and post our flyers to them. So we are hanging out in a huge posh lobby, trying to look like we 1. belong there 2. are not hawkers 3. are not hideously uncomfortable at writing the names of companies down..... and this person walks out the lifts.

It's Mike, a guy I did a huge job with ages ago that I really like. We worked so well together and he's a project manager (so can give us work!!) He had left the last company he was working for and I had been unable to track him down. Long story short, very happy to see us and yes, please send him info on us and may have some work for us!

Thanks God and yes we heard the heavenly laughter! The whole very uncomfortable endeavour was worth it for that one encounter. So very God.

So we had coffee and came home. The end.

Remember

2009-08-17T16:18:00.004+12:00

When I am dog tired and this little face is protesting loudly here at my knee, at not being held constantly and I just need some quiet space to hear myself think, I remember....

To thank God every day for him. To thank God that He gave me a son. To remember those who have not had their breakthrough yet and get down on my knees and pray for them.

I remember them and pray (as one comment on a post said) for their richly deserved "moments of happiness". Lord, may their breakthroughs be soon.

Getting real

2009-08-14T09:02:00.008+12:00

Through a blog I love I found a link to this post. It's by a musician Shaun Groves and the honesty is searing. I loved every word. How often are we pretending- especially us Christian girls? Pretend that everything is ok, we are doing just fine and our lives are on track. I would say far too often.

We all have qualities we prize. Characteristics that we hold dear. I prize three- loyalty, honesty and kindness. Everyone of my soul friends has those three. They have to have them to be a soul friend of mine. A case in point, this post from Simoney. She just oozes loyalty, kindness and honesty and I love her to pieces. I hate it when I feel people are not open or honest with me- especially when I have opened my heart to them. But how often am I honest with myself? Do I pretend with me?

Yes.

And that's what inspires and challenges me about Shaun Groves' post. He is open and honest with himself. There's no hiding at all. Why do we hide? A million reasons and none are worth mentioning. Why shouldn't we hide? The much more important question. Because we are loved and accepted and we please God. When we are saved, we please God because He looks at us through Jesus, who pleases Him a lot!

This verse is from a passage God gave me this week. It's probably the second time I have had a passage given to me by God about me and so clearly. But even better, it's about all of us.

"Take a good look at my servant.

I'm backing him to the hilt.

He's the one I chose,

and I couldn't be more pleased with him. Isaiah 42: 1 (Msg)

So here's the deal for me, STOP PRETENDING!

I will no longer pretend:

That I in anyway have life together. I am a broken mess that God is putting together piece by piece.

That I can do life without God. I need Him more than the air I breathe. If I do not have a quiet time every day I am a nightmare.

That I know anything about mother-hood. I really have no idea and have no interest in spending hours and hours researching how to do this gig. God has to lead me and show me.

That I know how to run a business. See above.

That our infertility journey is over and we are living on the other side. The drugs and blood tests and procedures are hard. We may not be in emotional pain but this is still hard.

Learning to not pretend is a journey and it means no caring what people think. I am getting better at it. People will always judge you and I have learnt nothing you do will stop that. So too bad!

God (and even some people) likes me a lot and that's all that matters!!!

Fed

2009-08-13T12:47:00.010+12:00

This week has been about food. Natural and spiritual food.

We went to Plunket last week for My Small Man's 9 month visit. The difference between his weight and height was too pronounced for their liking. So. Big chats. What are you feeding, how much, how often.... plus a letter to my doctor and instructions to go and see him. I slunk out of the rooms feeling like I was branded "Evil Mother". Giant letters, on my forehead no less.

So I started measuring everything. Two thirds of a cup of solids at a meal NO MORE. 150ml of formula NO MORE. And turns out that's too much food for My Small man anyway and he won't take it all. Sigh.

My doctor was amazing. If you are in Auckland my clinic is incredible. They are holistic without the voodoo and are not into medicating off the bat. So with some simple advice and reassurance I started cooking and mixing and making. I love cooking for my family. I love the idea that I am feeding and nourishing them. As I made food for My Small Man I thought about the goodness and purity of the food I was making and how good it would be for him.

Like the food that God gives us is so good for us. His word is food for our soul. I imagine that God stands in His giant kitchen preparing food for us- revelation and encouragement that will nourish and sustain us.

And I have been so hungry and thirsty for His word. We are living in a time that requires a lot of trust. For our family, for the little businesses, for finances- the lot. And it felt like the well was dry.

I had connect group on Tuesday night. It's for girls with a prophetic bent and led my someone I prize SO highly. It's not always easy to be in as there is no-where to hide but it's the right place and I would not swop my connect group for any other. There's not a lot of fluffies- imagine arriving after your day you have barely sat down and wammo!- let's prophesy over one another girls... and Sammy you are starting. Gulp.

Anyway every word that the leader spoke was for me. God spoke to me and into my heart. Talked about how to live the gap between the revelation we have heard and the reality of daily life. The grace of God and the ease He brings. Doing like living in His grace without struggle. It was like God gave me a 3 course meal that night. Yum!

I love how God feeds us. He prepares food especially for us. Food He knows we need. And food He knows we love. What a great cook He is!

I may not be a great cook but I am a fun food preparer! I peel golden Kiwi fruits so that they are like a boiled egg shape and let My Small Man go. He loves getting his fingers and face right into it and happily occupies himself for at least 20min- yes!

A fishy business

2009-08-08T10:18:00.009+12:00

Today is one of those days where I long for Summer. Ahhh, Summer. Heat, warmth, mmmmm.

I had to get myself out of bed this morning for a blood test. There are only two places open on a Sat morning and they are both across town. Bearing in mind that half the population seems to need blood tests on a Sat morning I decided to get there early.

Lucky I did as half an hour before it opened I was FIFTH in line! So we stood outside in a little queue waiting and by the time it opened I was frozen solid and needed the toilet badly due to the 16 litres of water I had drunk in a vain attempt to flush open my veins.

The cold had not done my veins any favours and the comment by the male blood sucker of "Oh my! Where could your little veins be?" did little to encourage my fainting heart. Best we draw a curtain over the next 5 minutes but there was a lot of muttering in the car on the way home.

Never mind. My friends were waiting for me at home. The friends that help me survive winter. I heart them (a lot)

My BF is my woolen vest. My lovely double layer lambs wool vest. He's not that attractive to look at but he encloses your torso in a loving lambie hug. If he ever goes to vest heaven I will be grieving in a big way.

My BFF is a blast from the past. Fishpaste. Yup, you heard right AND it goes on your toast. Logic defies this one. My adult brain tries to rationalise why I am eating a paste made from anchovies on my toast while drinking coffee, but my childhood self just sighs in ecstasy. Can't explain it, it's just so good.

Fishpaste is entwined in a lot of my childhood memories. I remember eating it on white bread (cut into quarters) during lunch break in my first year of school. Grade 1 at Cliffview Primary in Joburg. My Small Man eats it now. Yum-O!

Yes. My friends help me through winter. But I really really really can't wait for Summer!

Have a great weekend!

Capacity and random ramblings

2009-08-05T17:05:00.007+12:00

Life is just crazy and full. My Small Man is all boy and all go and mostly all attention. The little businesses that I have are full-on too. It all seems too large to squeeze into my small life. Or my small head. Or my small personality. It just seems too big.

So I was telling God this the other day. "God!" I said. "This is TOOOO much." Grumbling and muttering followed. He whispered back, "I have built the capacity within you".

Oh.

And I thought back to the years we have had. Big years. HUGE years. At one time My Big Man was working for our church, I was in a very stressful and demanding job and we were starting to deal with infertility. I remember how God built capacity in us through that very full and demanding time.

I love how what He has built in us does not evaporate or diminish with time. he has built a deep well in me, a well of capacity. And now I can go back and draw pure cool water from the well. Water of strength and endurance and energy. The water is Him.

So glad I don;t have to do this alone and without Him. Because I am utterly in love with life right now. This is where I want to be in every way. I LOVE being a Mommy, having My Small Man around all the time and having little businesses on the go. I love my life. And yes it's huge because I have the capacity.

Thanks God!

And...

I got an order for 10 merino wraps!!! Woohoo! I was thrilled until I worked out the total profit (not even counting my time) equalled 1 HOUR of design time....! Yikes. I had to laugh. Design is not truly where my heart is but is really where the dollar is (darn) Still the baby stuff is my passion and I am just starting out. That's what I am telling myself anyway.

Lastly.

Something I found quite extraordinary....

Soulemama is a blog I follow. Mostly fascination as the whole earth mother is something I find very interesting, being a bit of a "natural" girl myself. Soulemama takes it to a whole new level though and I am not sure I want to follow. I do love her blog though.

Anyway.

She posted about using HANDKERCHIEFS! I didn't know anyone used them anymore!!! Bear in mind that I am convinced about looking after the earth and using natural things. However I am a tissue girl and didn't realise anyone actually used handkerchiefs anymore!!!! I am intrigued! The last time I owned a handkerchief was when I got one from my grandmother for my confirmation. It hung around in my bible for years. I had no idea I was actually meant to USE it......

Live and learn, huh?!? Hehe!

Pants and crowns....

2009-07-31T12:26:00.008+12:00

My Small Man is ever growing. And I mean GROWING! he's now into 18 months to 2 years size clothing. So I made some more little boy pants like I did here this time with an old dress of mine (!) I also got a pattern/ directions here but my knee pads were a bit...well, low. So My Small Man has shin pads not knee pads, oh well!

I think he is just the cutest little man in the world and over the last two days his sunny personality has re-emerged. I checked and all 8 teeth are well and truly out. He must be feeling a lots better.

Made a felt crown for a special little girls 2nd birthday. I think I will make more of these for my Etsy shop (which has finally (sigh...) had some sales!)

Learning so much about trust in this season and letting God do His work. Being such a driven/ motivated/ focused kind of person I often get into the "let's go!" mode and take my life back over. The journey through infertility taught me so much about letting go but this is a whole new level of letting go. God is in control. Totally. My little businesses exist by His Grace and He is the one that brings work in or makes sales. Not me. Good place and terrifying place!

My day today....

2009-07-27T19:30:00.008+12:00

...was mostly this (sigh).......

And yet.

I look forward to seeing him each morning. I miss him when he's asleep. I long to feel his little arms around my neck. And my heart beats a little faster when he reaches for me with tears streaming down his face because a hug from Momma helps the mouth feel a little less sore

Freedom

2009-07-26T15:59:00.011+12:00

The greatest gift that My Small Man has brought along is freedom from pain. The pain of being childless is gone- completely gone. It feels sooooo good. My Big Man and I often comment how life feels in the absence of pain.

Just free.

This weekend was one of those that we had dreamed about. We went down country to spend the weekend with My Big Man's sister and family. They have two little girls aged 3 and 18 months and it was just utter bliss to spend a big chunk of time with them.

It was hilarious. My Big Man's sister is not a girly-girl and yet her oldest, Miss P, is insanely girly. Frills, pink, tiaras, flowers, beads and heels are layered over her small body at all times. She is a mother through and through and mothers My Small Man constantly. Kisses, hugs and cuddles are poured out over him! He liked it! Miss N, the younger is a little tomboy and would get in My Small Man's face and scream. He liked that too!

Miss P inflicting some love on My Small Man!

There was a crazy moment when all the adults were trying to watch the last James Bond movie (can't remember the name) and ALL the children were all screaming and yelling and having a whale of a time together. All of the adults were watching the TV screen intently ignoring the ruckus and we kept looking at one another going "Did you hear what he/ she said?" or "What just happened?" or just plain "huh?" We translated bits of the movie for one another. I started laughing as it was just so ridiculous and wonderful at the same time.

The 3 amigos: My Small Man, Miss P and Miss N

Miss P and Miss N were so good with My Small Man and I could see the bond between them developing. We have always loved Miss N and Miss P but for so long it hurt to be around them. We were there with them but a part of us was always guarding our hearts. Now it's so freeing to be able to just be. Be the auntie and uncle that simply adore them. And...I get to revel in the girliness!

My Small Man is so blessed to have an abundance of cousins on both sides of the family that are close to him in age. It doesn't matter if he ends up being an only child as he will never be lonely.

How great is that? So very very good!

There's a boy in the bath!

Toofas numbers 7 and 8

2009-07-22T12:40:00.010+12:00

We are into elimination control for My Small Man. It's not potty training but he knows that poos and wees go in the potty and he's been on a potty since he was 4 weeks old. The theory is that we train babies to poo and wee in nappies. Works for us but totally get it's not for everyone.

Disclaimer: we do what would be called part time elimination control...If we were truly doing it there would be no nappies at all. I think you have to be earth mother and really committed to it for that and well, I am not!

I can honestly say that 95% of poos are in the potty and many times his nappy is dry when I change him BUT when he teethes that goes out the window (like he can only do one big developmental thing at a time- fascinating!)... and over the last week there have been many nappy poos!

I saw inside his cute little mouth today when he was eating and there's two new teeth!!! Super cute! They are the two on either side of his bottom two teeth. Oh my- 8 teeth!

He is learning to use them with deadly force too! He bit HIS OWN finger (hello?!?!) on the weekend. It was awful because he was so upset and there were little red marks on his finger, but it was so funny too!!

Not nearly so funny was when he bit ME the other night on the shoulder.....and broke the skin.

Was not laughing then, was I???

Anyway.

He's adorable even when he bites me. And now with 8 teeth I will really have to watch out!

Adoption Chronicles I: A good and a not so good read

2009-07-19T15:47:00.009+12:00

Adoption is different. Good different. There aren't many adoptions in New Zealand and even fewer Christian ones so navigating this particular sea involves a bit of guess work.
So I thought to start some "gatherings of thought" like I did with infertility so anyone coming here with adoption on their minds, can read my perspective on this incredible and stretching journey.

I should note that what I say is The-Truth-According-To-Me. Too often we are bombarded by people telling us "the truth". Sorry, but the only truth we have is the Truth (Jesus, the Word, God Almighty) Human truth is the truth as we see it.It is coloured by our experience, perception and our 5 senses. I don't deny that when someone tells their truth they utterly believe it to be THE truth, but how often do we turn out to be wrong? That's because its the truth according to them. So this, my friends, is a collection of my humble opinions and is the truth according to me....

The government social services agency handling adoption (CYFs or Child Youth and Family) put out a recommended reading list for potential adoptive couples. They base a lot of their philosophy on some of the books and in particularly a book called The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. Nancy is an adoptive mother and writes about her experience and has formed some beliefs that are the basis for many of the processes and ways of handling adoptions within New Zealand.

The basis of the book is that when a child is separated from his/ her birth mother through adoption an irreparable (hold onto that word..!) wound occurs that cannot be healed. The birth mother vs child bond is so strong that nothing can replace/ break or be substituted for it.
The adoptive mother will never be able to be a true mother figure and this relationship will take the brunt of the adopted child's grief and trauma in trying to come to terms with this primal wound. Nancy Verrier describes a traumatic and emotional relationship with her adopted daughter and I think this pain is the underlying basis for her beliefs.

IMHO (In My Humble Opinion) this book causes much damage among adoptive couples. It robs adoptive women of a sense of entitlement as a mother and strips away hope. This is the feedback I have had from others in the adoptive classes we went to. I read this book after our first failed adoption and it was like I was being physically hit. I could not believe that we would wait so long and then I would not be able to be a "proper" Mommy. It almost tore me apart.

Thank God I know the Truth!!!!

God showed me some Truth from His Word. Nancy Verrier is right. A primal wound exists. But we ALL have a primal wound. It's the wound caused at birth by the sin separation from God. The closeness we are made to have and enjoy is stripped away. We all need to be healed from our primal wound. Unlike Nancy Verrier I believe that healing though restoration with God Almighty through His Son, is completely possible. It is not irreparable. There is no wound that the blood of Jesus cannot heal.

I am not denying that adopted children face challenges. Challenges to do with identity and history and lineage. We MUST do all we can to help our children discover their past and where they came from. There are excellent books out there that give a balanced and more positive view of adoption. These books address how we as parents can help our children navigate adoption.

Sherrie Eldridge is a great author. She is an adopted child herself and speaks with wisdom and has a good perspective. She has written quite a few books that we have read and we have taken on board many of her suggestions.

I recommend starting with "20 things Adopted Kids wish their Parents knew". It's great for understanding what adoptive kiddies need and how they need to link back to their biological heritage. Much of the book is written from a closed adoption perspective but all adoptive children cannot help but benefit from applying these principles/ ideas.

Sherrie's writing has particularly made me appreciate open adoption as it's so good for adopted children. Her books have cemented our view that we will do anything to retain and build a link for My Small Man back to his biological heritage through the birth families. It's hard for us but will be so beneficial to My Small's Man identity and self awareness development. And he is worth it!

Happy reading!

I love my life!

2009-07-18T19:52:00.007+12:00

We just got back from a visit to My Small Man's birth town. We went to visit my friend M's nana. M and her family were amazing to me over the time of the adoption. Her Nana and Poppa gave me a safe place to go to while it was all happening. I love her Nana and My Small Man is an honory grand-child. M is pretty amazing too. She dropped everything and went down to this town to stay near me while it was all go. She is a rock and I adore her.

So M and her family and all of us are down there expecting sunshine as this is supposed to be a balmy sort of town. No way. Gale force arctic winds that cut like a knife along with horizontal driving rain showed up. Hmmm....

So we had a few days of inside time and many bouts of over eating. Utter bliss. We did virtually nothing so didn't even take photos.

We went to see Sweetpea (the birth mum) and her family today on the way back up to the big smoke. Sweetpea's parents were very apologetic as Sweetpea was disengaged and acting like...a teenager! Praise God I say. The poor girl has lived 3 life times and she's not even 16 years old yet. So the fact that she's acting like the millions of other teenagers out there is fabulous. We are here for the long haul and My Small Man and Sweetpea have a life time to get to know each other.

She's doing just fine. She gave me a little charm bracelet that she made herself with beads she picked (awwww) including a heart charm, a cross and a little person with "I miss You" on it. We just love her to pieces and are just so happy that she's getting through this.

We just love our life. We love the way God has crafted it together with all these different amazing people. We love being a little family of 3 and doing things together and living life together. I can't express how much we love My Small Man.

God is so good. Super good!

Polar fleece shame

2009-07-14T19:24:00.009+12:00

I was brought up with strict set of dress rules. In South Africa women do not leave the house without makeup and hair done and all dressed up. Even a trip to the local shops means you get dressed up. It's just the way it is.

Clothes like trackies and hoodies and plain slipslops (jandals) are worn at home. Not out. Them's the rules.

Kiwi's are a lot more relaxed and happily break all the above rules. This takes some getting used to but I have got into the swing of things. So much so that one trip home years ago, my Mom took me aside and asked me in a stage whisper 'If I was going out like THAT?!" Of course not Mom, sorry....what was I thinking?

I must admit I do have remnants of the rules hanging around. I don't wear track suit pants out the house and have only lately been comfortable with guests coming round and seeing me in them. Then there's polar fleece. Polar fleece stuff is for the HOUSE only. Not out. Don't ask me why, them's the rules in my world.

But today.

Today was sooooo cold. Bitterly, freezing, arctic-like. I was wrapped in my polar fleece hoodie and could not face the thought of braving the icy temperatures to change. I had my other clothes lined up on the bed and had a conversation with myself.

"Would anyone notice if I stayed in my polar fleece hoodie?"

"What would my Mother say?"

"How much do I care if I can keep my core body temperature up by not changing?"

So I liberated myself and went out in it. I felt momentary shame as I met my lovely (non polar fleece wearing) friend in a cafe but the decaf trim mocha I drank managed to soothe my angst.

My, my. I have come a long way from my blonded, teased and hair sprayed roots!!!!!

Asking Him

2009-07-13T16:31:00.002+12:00

Now that I have finally allowed myself to truly feel about babies and little ones, I find my heart broken again and again.

Please won't you join me in praying for baby Grayson and little Kate? They need a miracle. No other way to put it. They need His Sovereign touch and healing.

So please pray and maybe encourage the Mommy's and Daddy's?

Grayson and Kate

Motoring!

2009-07-13T12:31:00.012+12:00

I was in the office last week and was listening to the background music of complaining from the living room. I had dared to move out of his sight and this was simply not on. The complaining continued, I switched off...until WAIT A MINUTE!!! The complaining was coming closer! I popped my head out of the study as Mr Complainer popped his head around the living room door....

HE'S CRAWLING!!!

I was so proud I cried.

This is real crawling people. Up on all fours. None of this leopard crawl/ bum shuffle crawling. I am so proud and it's just SO CUTE!

We had to child proof the house this weekend and it actually didn't take that long. We are pretty relaxed about it and he's free to explore with a couple of exceptions. Like touching or sucking wires and touching the heater. The word "No" has suddenly surfaced and I can tell it's not going to be a popular word....

Open adoption wishlist

2009-07-09T12:35:00.009+12:00

An adoptive Mommy with a beautiful heart, Jessica, posted about an Open Adoption wishlist on another blog. Heather at Production not Reproduction has posted the third forum for the Open Adoption Roundtable and this one is about our ideal open adoption.

My wishlist:

1. That open adoption would negate (some...most..all of!) the challenges that adoption brings in terms of identity for My Small Man. That knowing his heritage and having access to it would help him on the journey of self discovery.

2. That open adoption would be a blessing for all the families concerned and it would be a "better than" usual situation not a something that is endured.

3. That K (birth mum) and J (birth dad) would know that they are part of My Small Man's life forever.

4. That K would know she is loved by me for who she is not the gift she has given me.

5. That My Small Man understands that he was adopted out of sheer love not because he was unwanted.

6. And mostly that open adoption draws My Small Man to God and he will come to know Him.

Security

2009-07-07T12:50:00.010+12:00

We met up with the birthfathers family on Saturday for coffee. We met his nana for the first time and she is lovely! We had a really good time and it was fun finding out that the birthfather (J) also pointed at things with his fore finger when he was a baby just like My Small Man does. I store stuff like that in my memory banks and want to record it ** so My Small Man can read about it.

It has taken me a while to feel secure in this whole adoption scenario (not with My Small Man but coping with the adoption process). The process was incredibly hard and emotional for us (read about it in my infertility blog under adoption) and even the day before My Small Man came home we were unsure whether this would go ahead.

Quick explanation of adoption in NZ (for my US bloggie friends):

Here it's all about the birth mum and the preference is that the birth mum keep the baby and go on the domestic purposes benefit. The social agency's and the justice system do not favour adoption and between 16 and 25 adoptions happen per year in Auckland (city of 1 1/4 million people).

The birth mum is encouraged to nurse the baby and keep the baby with her for the mandatory 12 day stand down after birth. The baby can only be placed on the 12th day after birth with the adoptive family.

The baby can be placed with foster families but the birth mum and birth dad must have contact with the baby in the 12 days.

Contact between the adoptive family and birth families is kept to a minimum so the birth mum does not form an emotional connection with the adoptive families. Social workers are in attendance at all meetings.

So in our case where the birth mum and birth dad were very sure, had chosen us and desperately wanted to know My Small Man would be ok with us, this was torture. Being young, they also fought (with one another, not us) and in the couple of days before My Small Man came home lawyers were involved and there were threats about not signing....

So anyway, the night My Small Man came home, I wanted to crawl into a small hole with him and My Big Man and stay there for a loooong time! The connection with My Small Man was instant and I wanted to run away as our brand new small family and just process and absorb.

But as the nature of our adoption was very open we couldn't do this and needed to help the birth mum and birth dad come to terms with what had just happened. In retrospect we needed a longer period of alone time and should have specified it. We tried for some alone time but it didn't really work.

Anyhoo!

I am only just starting to feel like I have my feet on the ground with this. I no longer feel a rising sense of panic at hearing from the social workers and birth families. This is good as the birth families are wonderful people and were only trying to come to terms with this huge change and decision.

So it's good right now and I think will get better with time. We are learning to feel like we can say what we need and the birth families are responding so well to our boundaries and requests. We had a great time on Sat and feel like we are truly connecting with all the different people in My Small Man's life!

Thank you God!

**I saw a fabulous Life Book called My Story that I think would be amazing for any child, especially an adopted one. We are fortunate enough to have an incredible Christian organisation in NZ called Parents Inc and they distribute this book. Its wonderfully illustrated with all sorts of stuff even a page for your family motto and comes with a box for "treasures". I want one!!!

8 x 8

2009-07-02T21:29:00.005+12:00

So I was tagged by my sweet friend Jodi at Life is now. Check out her blog- she is a real honey.

THE RULES:

Mention who tagged you.

Complete the list of 8's.

Tag 8 other people.

8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:

Getting the adoption finalised!!!!

Sleeping in some day once more (as late as I like)

My next trim mocha

Getting the adoption finalised....

Getting our first pay check for the design we have been doing

Buying a pair of shoes (the first in 9 months- FOREVER!!!) from here with our first paycheck. Be still my beating heart.

Seeing My Small Man again- he is asleep right now :-(

And yes, getting this jolly adoption finalised in October!

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY:

Went to Mainly Music with My Small Man.

Hung out with My Small Man's cousins and they all made a REALLY loud noise in a cafe. I was semi-embarrassed but not enough to stop them. They were cute!

Read a whole book- skimmed it. I need to slow down but I inhale books. It was light and fluffy, in my defense.

Made roast chicken with roasted veges.

Blogged

Dressed up My Small Man (must remember he is not a doll)

Made stewed apple for the above person

Cleaned 500 potties and a million dirty nappies

8 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO:

Be a lawyer

Sleep in one day (as late as I like.....yes I know I have mentioned this before)

Have/ adopt another bub

Have perfect eyesight- the road signs are blurry and I suspect I am a hazard on the road

Eat as much as I like and never get sick or grow rounder

Not care what people say or think

Do the house work in my sleep and wake up to a clean house

8 SHOWS I WATCH:

Greys Anatomy

Survivor

That's all. Watching TV takes away blogging and book inhaling time.

8 FAVORITE FOODS:

Salmon sushi

CHOCOLATE!!!!!

Olives and brie and fresh tomatoes on a baguette

Ciabatta bread dipped in olive oil

Grilled fillet of salmon

Sea salt crisps

Creme brulee (YUMMO!)

Only 8 foods? I am just getting started. Am hungry....

8 PLACES I'VE TRAVELLED:

South Africa

England

Europe: France and Switzerland

Asia: Bangkok and Hong King

Aussie

States: Chicago

Pacific Islands: Tahiti (warmmmmm!) and Rarotonga

That's all

8 PLACES I'D LIKE TO TRAVEL:

Portugal

Spain

Greece

Corsica

New York

Boston

Louisiana (down south baby)

Fiji

8 PEOPLE I'VE TAGGED:

Simoney

Gail

Penny

Amy

Lena

Jessica

Andrea

Nicole

Becs

Janna

I know that's more than 8 but I am a designer and maths is not my strong point...! If anyone else wants to do the quiz feel free. I am nosy and would just love to know you better xxx

I ran out...

2009-07-02T12:32:00.004+12:00

I am on a grocery shopping holiday. First it was so that I could get the next (horrendously overpriced) grocery shop into July's budget but then I just carried on.... I am a week and a bit over and was doing just fine.

True I don't have olive oil, parmesan cheese or crackers and other such vital necessities but I was ok. I could have stretched it for at least another week.

Until.

I have just run out of chocolate!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I am a pretty healthy eater but don't even try to come between me and my chocolate addiction. It's not too bad, a bar lasts me a week but I am currently scoffing the last few squares.

Looks like I will have to get my lazy self to the shops. Poos.

Little boy shoes

2009-07-01T15:34:00.006+12:00

The first pair of shoes we have bought for My Small Man!!!!

The brand is Bobux, can't recommend them enough. They are a teeny bit pricey (well, I think so!) but he's only going to get one pair of shoes.

They are super cute and very manly! My Big Man came along to check the "manliness" of them- hehe!

Brushing toofas

2009-06-30T09:22:00.001+12:00

first I put the toothbrush to my (sweet little) mouth.....

then I open up wider....

then I brush, am I doing it right Momma?

Rain

2009-06-29T08:28:00.007+12:00

Moari legend says that when a loved one dies, the gods grieve along with you. Rain comes.

We of course, do not believe in the power of gods but in God Almighty. And we know that He feels our pain. Yesterday He wept with us and the clouds opened up as we planted my Da's kauri tree.

My Da had always talked about his ashes being scattered at the top of the hill behind the bach. (We know that Maori tradition does not allow for cremation however this was no ordinary Maori man!) We planted a kauri tree at the top of the hill and one day when the family is ready his ashes will be scattered there and a seat will be built next to the kauri.

The spot that we picked looks out over the Kaipara harbour. We think our Da would have liked it there.

It was a good time. A little fantail bird met us at the top of the track and fluttered around us constantly as we planted the tree. God was near.

It was a good time to remember a good man. Thank you God. And I think a new normal is being established for our family. That is good too.

The camels

2009-06-27T22:54:00.005+12:00

Our women's conference has been amazing. Again. God moved and spoke and lives were forever changed. I am amazed at what He does for His women.

I loved every minute. I got to host one of the Equippers pastors who is also a good friend and it was such a privilege. Loved it!

This year's conference was another first. My first as a Mommy. One advantage of having a journey that is so "freakish" in a good way, is how people have owned our victory. They don't mind seeing the 300th photo of My Small Man! And I can talk about him to my heart's content!

Last years conference was very different. We were reeling from my Da's death (it was held later in the year last year) and starting to grapple with a possible adoption. Round the conference the young birth mum was considering us as an option. We were one of two couples. I remember standing during worship just overwhelmed at what we were facing and unsure that I had the emotional capacity to cope with it.

God spoke. He said so clearly. "They do not choose you, I choose them". Such simple words that filled me with a certainty. Certainty that He was in control and He was for us.

That's all I needed. That word. This year's conference was about One Word. My word is promise. This year I have the promise. I have the breakthough. This year was so sweet. I am so grateful for the sweetness before we face tomorrow and our pilgrimage up to the bach to remember my Da.

Vicki Simpson was the speaker. She came to our church 5 years ago and prophesied over the girls waiting for babies. There were 7 of us that came to the front and ALL 7 of us are Mommy's now. Praise God.

She is a prophet and knows what it's like to wait. She waited 22 years for her husband and her promise. I was given a CD of hers called "The Camels are Coming" about Abraham sending camels off to get Isaac's bride. All about waiting. The message was life changing for me.

So! I would love you to get a Word too! If anyone would like a copy of Vicki's message, email me before next Wed (1 July) and I will send you a copy. Anywhere. I promise it will help and inspire and encourage you.

Freak show girl

2009-06-25T09:08:00.007+12:00

I love the passage in Daniel 3 when the 3 friends (names toooo long to write out!) defy the King (again loooong name) and get thrown in the fiery furnace. It's been a key scripture for me. A visiting pastor did a brilliant sermon on it years ago that impacted me hugely. The "even if" sermon. Even if God does not come through ( and we know He can) we will still love and honour and serve Him.

God spoke to me after that sermon about the end part. Where the 3 friends leave the furnace without even the smell of the fire on them. God said I would end this trial without the smell of smoke. And I have. I am not bitter, angry, resentful or fearful about what we have walked through. I carry none of it.

But I am changed. We are different in so many ways. God used this journey to forever alter the way we think and act. It's a good change.

So it comes as a bit of a shock when you find out that others view your journey as less than perfect! As a bit yucky. Well, as something to be run from (screaming into the hills) in fact. A life journey they would do anything to avoid...

Infertility is hard but I didn't think it was that ugly. It makes me feel a bit like a freak. Like I have grown two heads in a way.

I think there is a beauty in what we and others have gone through. A different beauty and in some ways a terrible beauty but it's still beautiful. And I know who thinks it's beautiful. Him. Beauty is in the eyes of the Beholder, it's true.

Life should change us and often what changes us is the hard times. So maybe I should take pride in being a freak show girl. One that God Himself has moulded and changed. So what if I have two heads? I can have two different hair styles and two different hair colours. That's got to be a good thing!

My Da

2009-06-22T13:09:00.007+12:00

Bit sad today, well really sad. This is June and last June our world imploded. My Da passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. My beloved father-in-law went to be with Jesus. It was the worst night of my life, the worst week of my life followed by the worst month of my life and so on.

He was incomparable. A man of integrity and filled to the brim with love. He welcomed a homesick little South African into his family and made me his own. I desperately wanted to be loved for me not as his beloved son's wife, and I was.

I can't believe that it's nearly a year. How have we managed to live without him? Only by the grace of God. I am not sure if anyone can relate but it was like the centre was ripped out of our family. I did not realise how much the family was built around this quiet, strong and loving man.

The agony we felt over his death was that it was too soon. We were devastated that this man would not hold our children. He was a Koro (grandfather) like no other. He loved children and was more involved in his grand children's lives than any other grand parent I have known. We "outed" ourselves in terms of the struggle we had with infertility at the funeral- in front of 500 people as we did not have the strength to hide and cover up. While this gave the extended family permission to talk to and support us, one of the people that made this ok and believed with everything he had for our children, was not there anymore.

My Da was adopted and he had promised to help us with making it ok. When we were raw and hurting from the failed adoption at the end of 2007 he soothed us. He told us that it would be ok. And suddenly he wasn't there any more.

It has been such a bittersweet year for My Big Man. He has missed his father so much, the gaping hole is still there. I see it in his eyes. His dream has come true and he is a Daddy but he has lost his Dad. There is such sweetness but such pain too.

And yet, this, our darkest hour, was truly before the dawn. My Small Man's birth mother was 5 months pregnant when my Da died. It seems impossible that 12 months later there is a baby almost 8 months old. God's timing is perfect, we have to hold onto that. But I have to say that it kills me that my Da will never hold My Small Man.

The day he died he sat in his armchair and said to my mother-in-law that he could not wait to cuddle our child. And then less than 12 hours later he was gone. My mother-in-law had a vision that night. She was beside herself with grief and she relates how she suddenly saw her beloved husband. She said he was holding our son in his arms just like he wanted to. And the knowledge that he was in heaven and had held our son gave her the strength to carry on through the days that followed.

So you can imagine her face when we told her that the little child we were adopting was a boy. I believe my Da has held My Small Man. He held him before he was born and he knows him. But I really wish he was here with us to see My Small Man. We miss him at every event and I really mourn the loss of this man.

On the 29 June 2009 it will be one year. The joy of having My Small Man around is undeniable, but I miss my Da so very much. We are going to the bach (beach house) this coming Sunday to plant a Kauri tree for him. No-one is anywhere near ready to scatter his ashes. That will have to wait.

I miss my Da. I miss him so much.

Intensity

2009-06-20T17:03:00.007+12:00

This place here where we stand has such an intensity of joy. I am reminded again and again how blessed we are to be here. How God broke through for us and made our dreams come true.

Events and situations remind me that right now we are standing in a clear sun drenched meadow where I can see for miles. After walking through a dark forest valley for 6 years, this place is amazing. I can see the sky! Make no mistake, God was in the valley with us. He carried us and comforted us and sustained us. We learnt so much about the person of Jesus and we are forever grateful and changed. But breakthrough is so sweet. And I am reminded how sweet when I see the valleys that our loved ones are walking through.

My Big Man's cousin has entered a valley. He's just left his wife of 18 years. The questions around this and allocation of blame are not for us to even think about. The effects of the valley experience were visible today when we talked to him at a family birthday. The pain in his eyes and voice was hard to see. My heart just broke for him and his sweet wife. We would do anything to spare them pain but it is their valley to walk through.

As we drove home I felt almost lightheaded with relief at being out of our valley. There will be more valleys for us and possibly deeper and darker ones where we use the lessons God has taught us so well. But for now we are standing clear. I must admit I sometimes thought we would never be here. But God came through.

It is different here to where I imagined we would be. Breakthrough is different. We are parents of a little boy and we may only have one child. This meadow is different. But it is so good. The plans God has for us are better than we could have imagined or dreamed of. My Small Man is an "us". We are 3 now and it's so good sometimes I could scream with joy. Joy that come from a heart captured by God, not happiness based on circumstance.

I will probably never be pregnant and that's ok. We are starting the process of using our frozen embies but the outcome is unimportant. I probably won't be blogging about it. Our joy is complete now*. Despite circumstance it is complete now. Adoption has been hard and open adotion especially so. But we have reached a place where our joy is complete. We would not change a thing. My Small Man was worth every tear, and man, there were a lot! Buckets of tears!

So yes. I am slightly grateful! I love here and now with the sun on my head, clear view for miles standing with My Big Man at my side and My Small Man in my arms. Thank you God. Thank you so very much.

* I mean that our joy in this experience is complete. Total joy will only be complete when we see Jesus face to face.

Anyone for ordinary?

2009-06-18T12:07:00.007+12:00

Ordinary life? What's that???? This has been one crazy week...

I am not sure if I mentioned (I am sure I have at some point) but I am a commercial interior designer. I specialise in office fitout. I love what I do but was happy to walk away and try something new after My Small Man came along. I danced off into the sunset happily dreaming of hand-made baby items....(insert sound of God snickering)

About a month ago I was cornered and then strong armed into starting a small design business by a friend. He owns a contracting company. At that stage I thought well, ok. Very reluctantly I might add. I have skills (and talent!) and we need dosh to get my other little business off the ground, so why not. I imagined choosing paint colours for the odd lift lobby and dabbling in little projects from time to time...(again insert the sound of God snickering)

As word has got out that I have set up with a friend, God has been orchestrating things and amazing things have happened. Clients have been calling US!! Unheard of in the industry and in a recession! We were planning on going really slowly but we already have a small project PLUS a big project for 1800sqm for an amazing client! This is a very good size project and any of the big companies would love to have it. So this week has been nuts. We have had meetings for the mini project plus client meetings for the big one!

It's wonderful and I am so grateful but again this does not fit with my plans (insert sound of God having a belly laugh) I never wanted a design company as the ethics in the industry are dismal but now we get to choose how we do business and who we do it with. Crazy.

It's complicated though. Having My Small Man at home means working out who can look after him and taking him places and getting him set up. A meeting now takes the better part of a day. It's tiring but that's part of being a Mommy. This week has been nuts with My Small Man being sick and starting separation anxiety. I thought he had the swine flu of course (never one to stay away from the dramatic) but it's just a bad cold. Still awful to see and he's got a cough! Those little baby lungs even sound cute coughing......:-)

So now that we have our deadline out the way and can put off the rest of the work until Monday, it's family time. We are off to the beach this afternoon to look at sand and maybe suck some shells...

Ordinary? What's that?

Certainly not this Small Man...

Random weekend goodness

2009-06-14T19:10:00.008+12:00

New BFF Mr Leeu (Mr Lion)

Little boy socks drying in a row

Coffee in my favourite mug with a good book

Stash of new yummy cloth nappies

Mommy-hood bliss

2009-06-13T13:39:00.004+12:00

My Small Man is 7 months and 1 week old and I have been a Mommy for 7 whole months! When he was 7 days old I got to take him into my arms and care for him. That was the day my heart dared to believe that this could be true.

So here I am 7 months later still counting each moment I have with him. Marvelling over his little feet and fat little fingers. I have to pinch myself sometimes!

Now that we are settling into living in this answered prayer I find myself beginning to figure out what kind of Mommy I will be. I want to be what My Small Man needs me to be and I am learning that.

But some things I know. I am a Mommy like her, and her, but not really like her (even though there are aspects of her that inspire me). I admire all sorts of Mommies but who I am as a Mommy is unique and fits around my personality and what God calls me to do. I am a Work-at-Home-Mommy and I love that. It requires incredible organisation and planning and keeping My Small Man at the top of the list.

So even though yesterday morning was blocked out for work, My Small Man was feeling unwell. Work flew out the window and long periods of cuddles and loving were called for. Plus the new experience of talking a baby's temperature under their arm. I knew I should have held out for that (expensive) thermometer that you place against their forehead! The drama!

So what I know so far is that flexibility, planning and organisation are called for, in my life anyway. I love every moment of this. This dream. I am so blessed.

Thank you Jesus!

River banks

2009-06-11T09:15:00.006+12:00

I love how sermons continue to impact us time after time. It's like the truths that are within the words spoken penetrate deep into you soul and pop out week, months and years later.

I have been crazy busy. With two little businesses, My Small Man and trying to be a loving wife, daughter and friend I am running myself into the ground. I am the type of person who is quite focused and tends to be drive myself so I was getting more and more tired. I couldn't work out what to do. Then the concept of a sermon I heard (possibly) years ago came to mind. God reminded me.

The sermon talked about our lives as a river. Sometimes there's a time of drought and the river level is low and sometimes it floods. We need to build flood banks on the sides of our life-river for our protection. Restraints I guess is another word for it. Banks that control and bring direction and vision to our lives.

So I have built restraints, flood banks. I work 4 mornings a week from 9am to 1.30pm-ish, until My Small Man wakes up from his lunchtime nap. In that time hes only awake for about 2 hours and he eats in that time. So when he's not eating, he plays next to me in the study for a short time. It means that when I am finished work, I am finished!

It also gives us a day in the week that is just about us. We went to a music class yesterday morning and hung out with My Small Man's cousin in the afternoon. Bliss! And I didn't worry about work at all!

Breaking out the tambourine with Nana!

What the???

2009-06-09T08:52:00.003+12:00

My Big Man and I are doing a 3 week counselling course at church. It's run by the pastor I idolise (in-a-good-way-realising-she-is-human-way-and-we-really-only-idolise-Him-way!!!!) and anything she does or puts on I try to get myself to. I am fortunate enought to be in her connect group so I get my J-fix every 2 weeks at least!

Anyway, we went along to learn how we can adequately help those people who come to us and "want to talk". You know, some basic tools.

Funny thing was we learned so much about our messy selves and all we could talk about on the way home was how much WE needed counselling and sorting out and general fixing! Was hilarious!

Go God! Love how He sorts my conceited little self out!

Haunted

2009-06-07T19:18:00.006+12:00

I am captivated by this thought that I want to be haunted by God...

It's from an email I subscribe to. I can't recommend it enough. I am crazy about Studylight.org and use a lot of their resources in my study of God's word.

The book "My utmost for His highest" by Oswald Chambers is such a goodie and this email subscription sends you a thought from the book every day.

What are you haunted by? You will say - By nothing, but we are all haunted by something, generally by ourselves, or, if we are Christians, by our experience. The Psalmist says we are to be haunted by God. The abiding consciousness of the life is to be God, not thinking about Him. The whole of our life inside and out is to be absolutely haunted by the presence of God.

A child's consciousness is so mother-haunted that although the child is not consciously thinking of its mother, yet when calamity arises, the relationship that abides is that of the mother. So we are to live and move and have our being in God, to look at everything in relation to God,because the abiding consciousness of God pushes itself to the front all the time. If we are haunted by God, nothing else can get in, no cares, no tribulation, no anxieties.

We see now why Our Lord so emphasized the sin of worry. How can we dare be so utterly unbelieving when God is roundabout us? To be haunted by God is to have an effective barricade against all the onslaughts of the enemy.

From 'My Utmost For His Highest' devotional for June 2 2009

I long to be haunted by God. To be unable to live without Him, to be so captured by Him that I can think of nothing else. To be completely and utterly smitten by Him so that all I long for is His presence.

So much of what we are looking for in this world is actually God Himself. Listen to the songs that are written and you hear the longing of the lost for God himself. Underneath the words and melodies is an aching for Someone, Something to love them completely. It's God that we call for. He is the Answer, the Knight in shining armour, the Soul mate we search for.

I want to know that in my haunting I am showing my unsaved friends this God who will be everything they dream of. I am so convicted and motivated.....and haunted.

Meow!

2009-06-06T21:53:00.000+12:00

I went with my lovely friend M to see Cats today. We joined the day trip her Mum and auntie had organised. They all travelled up from Tauranga (3 hours away) and collected us in Auckland on their way through.

It was HILARIOUS! M's family are such fun!

To get on the bus you had to wear an item of clothing with a cat print. M and I went to town and got our faces painted too. We looked like "catty" ladies of the night!

The bus (a.k.a mini van!) was packed with felines and we attracted plenty of attention. We were given ears and a tail and this totally completed my outfit..... We had a lady taking our photo from her car plus a crowd gathered around us when we got off the bus, snapping photos. We did a roaring trade starring in "Auckland's attractions" for the asian tourist market. M and I cowered at the back of the crowd trying not to make eye contact with anyone.

Inside it wasn't much better. The kiddies loved us and thought we were part of the cast. Well, the grown ups did too, asking one of our crowd who was starring in the afternoon's production. When we got into the theatre, the call went out to flick our tails over the back of the seat. The boy next to me got plenty of attention from the tails of the cats behind me and after his ear was tickled numerous times, he failed to come back to his seat after intermission!

The show was amazing and we feasted on kitty treats (chocolate). Afterall you can't let a bunch of cats get hungry- who knows what would happen!

M and I- purrfect!

2 foxy felines!

Hello!

2009-06-05T16:40:00.000+12:00

I am just so happy to be starting a new blog! If you have followed me over from my old one- thank you for coming along with me.

We have seasons in life and this is a new one for us. One with a baby boy and home based business(es!!) Life is crazy busy but oh, so good.

And it's Friday! One of my closest friends has got tickets for the show Cats for us tomorrow. She is treating me! We are dressing like cats (meow!) and going along with her mother and friends. Can't wait.

Anyway, the blog design will take shape as I figure things out. HMTL (or is it HTML???) code? What the? It's been fun figuring it out and I am determined to make it puurty!

Thanks for coming along!